Itsmytime's Journal

Dear friends,

Sorry I have  not been here, not been a good friend to most of you lately.

July has been about stuff here mainly.  Not always positively.

Thank you for your continued support and love anyway.  Hugs

The truth is though, I don't like me this morning.

I don't like being in that place again.  I need the me from the end of June back.

I have spend July in an emotionally up and down state - there have been awesome inspiringly wonderful highs, and depressingly soul touching lows.  Maybe that is life in general??

If so I need to get better at it.

A quick update

You know I went to Newcastle to see Drewe with the boys for 8 days ,  then that I returned alone to Newcastle for 4 days, to have some serious relationship conversations.

The upshot is -  Drewe is being awesome.  Maybe too awesome.

God is the girl EVER happy!!!!

He has rung incessantly since Monday.

I am used to having space, freedom, independence - I do feel a touch smothered.  Ok more than a touch.  ;-)

What I haven't really told you is that I met someone.  Someone new. 

Someone I like (obviously).  LOL

Like everything in my life it is not simple - he has issues, family etc.  But I like him.  I think he likes me. 

You know how the trust issues work.....  and self worth issues for that matter.  :-)

I want my life to be simple, unfettered, happy, spontaneous, uplifting, positive, - I know, bring on Utopia. But maybe my expectations are not in line with reality.

Guilt is an issue for me.  As is  honesty and trust.  So I tried to be as honest with Drewe as I could.  I wanted to know clearly if we are over - so I can move on.

He still loves me.  I know that.  He is fighting for us.

We have agreed to give our marriage another serious effort.  The first step towards that has to be living together - in the same house - at the same time.

Sounds simple hey.

But not.

We have been apart more than half of our marriage.  And the bank has expectations of being paid.  :-)   Mean bank!!!!!

So the farm is on the market.  (Anyone interested...LOL)

I will pick this years crop - starting soonish - and finishing somewhere around November.  Then we will pack up / sell crap etc, rent the house if it hasn't sold and move to Sydney.

Nina, justbhappy, witti, - girls, yes moving to your domain.  Again.  That is a positive!!!!

Not thrilled about the prospect of moving to Sydney.  But... it comes with it the carrot of being closer to many Universities and I would love to go back and finish my degree or start a new one even.  Drewe is OK with that, very supportive even.

Then once we live together again. Without the financial pressures of the company, the physical demands of the farm and the emotional price paid by living apart - then I can find out if I can live with my husband.

Drewe made no ultimatums - but he asked me to delete the phone number of my new friend.  Initially I internally rebelled against doing this. 

Then Drewe said quite reasonably that sometimes you need to make a sacrifice and if this fellow really cared he would still be there in 6 mths or a yr if Drewe and I find we can't make it work.  And also if he really cared he would back off and let me sort out my marriage first.

He is right of course,  BUT well I like this guy.  Understand???????

I did tell my friend we had to back off and not be in touch.  I cried all afternoon.  Drewe was ecstatically happy,  but I wasn't......

What to do????

As for the food / weight issue.   Well lets face facts - I am an emotional eater.

I have been making much healthier choices, but I have still turned more to food than I want to.

So that in the last 26 odd days I have gone up and down.

Just during the 8 days in Newcastle with Drewe I went up 3 kg (6.6lb), What's that about??  Then I went down again when I got home, then up again in Drewe's company, then down again.  So do I put weight on just when he is around???? 

Maybe I am allergic to my husband.  Or he contains too many calories or something.  Too many emotions.  Too mush history..

Yesterday I was unhappy and unmotivated, with tonnes of things to do, and I achieved almost nothing.  But I ate.  Was sad 'cause all I wanted to do was talk to my new friend.

Stephen talked to me a lot and helped keep my sanity - thank you.

So now this morning I need to shake myself.

Get the men around me out of my head - put me first again, refocus on my goals and get going.

Another negative. 

I made a good friend here on DS (at least I thought he was a good friend) - and he recently told me that it was selfish to put myself first. 

He then used lots of personal information about me and my worries and doubts to try to hurt me when he got upset with me because I was not online when he wanted me to be.

The positive that came out of it. 

Fortunately his words did not have the power that he wanted - and when he told me that I was worse than my father etc I KNEW inside he was wrong.

That is a step ahead - massive leap infact.  For me.  I know the truth.  I am human, fallible and often do things I shouldn't or don't do things I should, but I AM NOT MY FATHER.

Thing is - I did forgive him, thinking the relationship would not be what it was.  THEN  he did it a second bloody time.  Creep.  Doesn't know the meaning of the word friendship.

Today. 

I have people coming for lunch in about 2 hours.  Right now I am in pyjamas, my house is appaling, we haven't had breakfast and I haven't prepared any food.  

But I am not that stressed.  I know my capabilities and I WILL be ready.  See how much life has / I have changed. :-)

I am going to pick myself up, off the feel-sorry-for-myself floor, dust myself off, try to forget how much I want to see / be with / hear my new friend, try to ignore the knowledge that Drewe will be home about 5ish tonight for 24 hours, and get back to doing the right things for ME.

Try not to put weight on simply because he is here.

Forgive myself for my mistakes and get on with what I have to do.

The first thing I had to do was update here.  And I have.

Hugs and love to you all. 

Elizabeth.  Thank you - you helped me this morning more than you know.  I am grateful.

Robyn