WatersMoon110's Journal

Right now, my Soriety is putting on a party, but I'm not there. I'm sitting here, too anxious to drive over by myself, feeling too stupid to ask for help. My husband is out having dinner with his parents, and when he left I felt (irrationally) like he was abandoning me. Maybe, when he gets home, he might be willing to drive me over there for a little bit. But it probably won't be going on too much longer anyway...

Today, I hate myself. I want to do things that I know I shouldn't do. Especially considering that tomorrow is my first day of therapy, and I don't want to give her any reason to think that I might be a "danger to myself".

I'm counting on this woman helping me, even though I rationally know that one session isn't going to cure me. I just don't know what to do, I haven't been going to class and I've basically given up.

I feel like I'm just never going to get better. I try to tell myself that I'm just in a bad spot, and things will get better. But I know that I'm doing just as badly as I was eight years ago, never mind what seemed like progress in between then and now. I've been struggling through this for over twice the time that I was actually being abused. I feel like I should be better by now.

I hate myself, and I can't see how anyone else could possibly not hate me as well.