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I was pretty horrible earlier, but I guess I've calmed down to where I'm just doing badly...
I feel so on edge, like at any moment things are going to come crashing down around me. I want, more and more, to just hide in my room, cut myself, and read HST book until I'm either completely crazy or have reached some new mind state where at least all this bullshit can't touch me anymore.
I don't know, I should be happy. I got a car, my husband got a brand new car. They're finally going to replace the AC (though most likely not in time for the heat wave midweek).
One of our friends, a very nice gay man, is staying with us for a bit less than a month until school starts. We have an extra room and a matress and box springs on the floor, which is better than sleeping on the couch at his other friend's apartment. I'm hoping that having someone else around for a good part of the day will help keep me from acting badly.
...
I wanted to say that I'm sorry, and I didn't mean it the way it sounded. It was stupid and I can't stop dwelling on it. I'll probably still feel badly when I'm 90 years old, for saying something so stupid. Maybe you won't see this, but at least writting an apology might help me to feel a tiny bit less guilty.
