WatersMoon110's Journal

I want to be a normal person. I want a car and a job and no real problems.

My husband and I went out to eat with some friends. A normal activity, and I should have been/acted like a good person. Instead I tried to act like I wasn't there, and got really upset inside at how annoying my husband was acting. I should be more understanding. He works a long hard day (to make me happy, he says - just what I wanted, more guilt), and just needed to blow off some steam. I should understand.

But he was drinking, and I was high. And I can't seem to help but get annoyed with him for some reason when that happens.

And right before he went to bed, he asked if I was mad at him, and I said, "No." But I was sort of lying, since I really feel upset with him.

I don't even really know why. Can I really be mad at him for acting like a dork around HIS friends? Or maybe it's just that I just didn't want to be there, because I never want to be anywhere anymore.

I don't know. I feel like such a failure of a human being most of the time. I should be cleaning. I should be cooking. Instead I do nothing, all day, every day.

The only time I really feel normal is after I've hurt myself. Something I haven't done for almost a month now, but that I think of doing all the time. Right now, it's only the thought of "stealing" one of HIS razor blades (blades he bought for the utility knife my mother gave me in my stocking for Christmas - thanks mom, I wanted something I could use to harm myself) in order to hurt ME that keeps it from happening.

But the constant dull numbness, interspersed with bouts of irrational anger, it drives me to want to feel something "normal". Like physical pain...