well at least its something
I said something hurtful back.....and then i admitted that was my only defensive that in know....its not healthy and …
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I always said that I wanted/needed to be in a relationship with someone healthy, who could support me, and who was strong enough to handle me. And I found him (and married him).
I never really stopped to consider that this makes me the unhealthy one.
Really forever, I am the partner who can't always hold up her end. I am the one who makes it so we can't go places (when I'm scared to go outside the apartment). I'm the one who keeps/wakes him up late at night because I desperately need attention and/or help. I am the one who sets the "mood" of the whole relationship (if I'm feeling unhappy, he's feeling unhappy).
I am the needy one. I am the one who demands certain foods, objects, activities, etc. I am the one who spends "all his money".
And I am the one who holds grudges. The one who remembers a badly worded phrase from two years ago and throws it at him in the middle of an argument. I am the one who stews with anger silently for hours. I am the one who makes him tiptoe around the house.
No matter how healthy I get, I am always going to be the one with more problems. The one who can't tell about her past in polite company. The one who sometimes can't show up for an important event.
I am the one who people will mention in whispers and about whom people will ask each other, "Why did he marry her?" (the answer is, "Because I sex him up" *wink*).
What worries me most, is that I'm mostly okay with this. I feel this shows a resistance to change and a lack of motivation to get better and healthier.
I never really stopped to consider that this makes me the unhealthy one.
Really forever, I am the partner who can't always hold up her end. I am the one who makes it so we can't go places (when I'm scared to go outside the apartment). I'm the one who keeps/wakes him up late at night because I desperately need attention and/or help. I am the one who sets the "mood" of the whole relationship (if I'm feeling unhappy, he's feeling unhappy).
I am the needy one. I am the one who demands certain foods, objects, activities, etc. I am the one who spends "all his money".
And I am the one who holds grudges. The one who remembers a badly worded phrase from two years ago and throws it at him in the middle of an argument. I am the one who stews with anger silently for hours. I am the one who makes him tiptoe around the house.
No matter how healthy I get, I am always going to be the one with more problems. The one who can't tell about her past in polite company. The one who sometimes can't show up for an important event.
I am the one who people will mention in whispers and about whom people will ask each other, "Why did he marry her?" (the answer is, "Because I sex him up" *wink*).
What worries me most, is that I'm mostly okay with this. I feel this shows a resistance to change and a lack of motivation to get better and healthier.
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Be gentle with your self. Your newly married and the first few years can be the roughest. I can relate to you. When I married I had a lot of baggage and I did not even know it. We have made but it is work and a lot of it. We have to push forward. I do not want to be stuck due to the past. Be kind and gentle to yourself this is new territory for you. Your in my prayers.
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While we may not have all the answers to solve each others problems, at least we'll always have each other to hold on to when we slip and fall. And we'll never judge each other, but instead hug. And whenever one needs a smile the other will be there with a joke. And whenever one of us needs a kleenex to dry the tears the other will be there with a whole roll of paper towels (lol, just kidding about the paper towels, but you get the point) That's just what good friends do for each other and that's what I'd do for you anytime :) Just thought you should know.
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