Owshen's Journal

Back before the days of meds, My bi-polar cycles were like clock work, three months up, three months down. Over the years the ups and downs got closer together and didn't last at long. Meds pretty much take care of the Highs, but I can still feel the lows, although they are not as severe as long as my meds are working. The problem I have now is due to the ptsd, it takes so much for me to leave the house, let alone go into the Mental Health Center for meds. Everytime I go in, I think okay... next time won't be as bad, But it always is. Every few months I go in, and every time it is a total anxiety trip, starting days before I even go in, until days after. I always have to take Xanax to even make it to the doors. I know in my head that it is stupid and that I need to just "GET OVER IT" But no matter how hard I try to not think about it, to just fake it, to just get it over with and not get all stressed out. It happens. I really thought that the more I went in, the easier it would get. But that is so not the case. Every time my apt time gets close, My nightmares get worse, I start getting emotional, It's like I fall back to the same place over and over again. They say time heals. But not this time, this time it's as if that one bad event just happened. And it happens over and over and over again. I tell myself that it is totally irrational, totally stupid, totally self defeating, and all the rest of it. But it's like trying to keep a balloon under watter. It takes a lot to keep it down and as soon as my gaurd goes down, it comes up. How can you stop doing or feeling something if you don't know why your doing or feeling it in the first place. I know I should be over it. I KNOW THAT. But I'm not. I would give anything to take back all the things I messed up. And I wisn I understood all the things that I don't. But.. It is what it is and I have to deal with it.   Some how, some way.