stevo's Journal

Just now I attempted to sleep without Seroquel and there's no bloody way that I can sleep at all without it. 

This is the same condition that I lived with for all my worst high anxiety years. One psychiatrist advised marijuana to be used rather than Restoril, although this was off-record and unofficial but it's my own accepted fact (TO MYSELF) that I grew my own (few) scrawny plants and it worked fine and when I didn't have that, I would still never sleep. Only this awful Hell condition of "power napping" and never losing consciousness which is what sleep is meant to be in all humans. You need to go unconscious ALL THE WAY and have those 3 stages of sleep, as the doctors talk about.

So much for my GRAND experiment of trying to sleep without Seroquel. Some time ago before I started with Circles of Care, a psychiatrist prescribed Ambien and it worked. But my current psychiatrist claims that Ambien is nothing more than having a beer before bedtime whereas Seroquel accomplishes the benefits of subduing my painful aspects of my daily life. These normal (for me) conditions of daily life are ongoing rapid talking to myself both out loud and in my head and rapid tangential thought processes. At my worst this is also vivid hallucinating both visual and auditory. I go into the vivid condition upon lack any sleep (insomnia all my life) and lack of proper nutrition, lack of Niacin and B vitamins, or hunger pangs.

Seroquel is a Godsend for my insanity. So I don't care if I declare myself to be drug dependent on Seroquel. At least if I sleep, then life is bearable. Here my mother is making me insane as she always did when I was any age through childhood and the rough sandpaper interaction of her from even a phone call from her in adulthood. So, taking care of her in her old age and being at her beck and call (quaint idiom) for her every bleeding ill, is the same way it was during childhood at any age. So Seroquel is my magic tether holding me on the planet or else I'd go off like a helium balloon, thank you very much. Without any drugs I am tripping on LSD without the LSD and never sleeping except for the "power napping Hell".

Man, how I labored so bloody hard at high anxiety precise jobs with no damn sleep at all ever. The only relief I ever got was what I mentioned above, ever. Reflecting back on 7th, 8th, and 9th Grades in school, I remember clenching and grinding my teeth all night plus passing out when forced to stand in an assembly. I would pass out and twitch and I was told my eyes were closed but my eyeballs inside were rolling around like rapidly and crazy when I passed out like that. The other kids were probably afraid of me and no wonder I was so isolated. Why do I mention those 3 years? I'll tell you why. Those were the self conscious years when the social life of peers was critical. Well, I bombed at that! But the fainting or passing out at assembly occurred every bloody year bunches of times as far back as this life takes me. Why was this never a focal point of discussion with doctors, I don't know. The School nurse knew about it and it was an accepted fact with her. Also her bloody secret, too. Why wasn't it considered petit mal? Why did my family doctor do nothing, although I told him several times, about the sleep deprivations and the fainting spells? Also after 9th Grade to nowadays it's still the same way.