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Another overcast rainy day. Just woke with a terrible jump, my right arm totally dead, I thought I had a stroke or something in my sleep, then I felt the pins and needles kick in, pheww! Slept funny.
Feeling philisophical again today, especially about my involvement with this site. I feel in the time Ive spent on here, that Ive ruined or dampened most of my relationships in some way. Especially the ones that meant the most to me. ( They all mean a lot but you know what Im trying to say)
As an only child, Ive always been very sensitive about friendships/relationships, always had complexes, paranoia, and inferiority feelings in this area.
I was totally new to online friendships until I dicovered this site when researching my illness. Ive gained much knowledge about people from this site, and about myself. So as Im no very good at maintaining friendships in life or on line, Im only going to use this site from now on, with a view to helping other If I can, and if they are willing accept that help. (Some folk to me appear to be beyond that level of receptivness)
Im now longer putting all my hopes into any one person, fooling myself that Ive found a soulmate, or 'The One' I cant understand or tolerate fickle personalities, I have met too many in life already.
I was sad that a friend on here has been having suicidal thoughts, (I will be contacting him today to see whats what - hang in there buddy!,) this has made me start to rethink in this way. Will be better off just trying to help rather than persue insincere friendships or those that it really means nothing to.
As is with everyone, there are many things that people dont know about me, I was affected by the suicide of two very close family friends at a very young age. Its something that I will never forget, the tragedy of the story is too much in length and too hard on my emotions to even begin to write now. But I will one day. (I have a novel in mind)
What Im trying to say here is that you are looking at a new me, instead of wallowing all the time in my own self pity, and expecting to be close to people where the affection is obviously onesided, I will endeavour from now on to do more for others, some people need people more than other people do. I want to be the person who is more needed than the person who is needy.
Thought for today:
Opposites attract, those with the same polarity often repel eachother. (MrD)
See you later people of the planet. World hold on.
