MrD's Journal

I am scared to go back to my doctor and tell him what has become of me in the last few months. I suppose its the typical male attitude; never liking to admit defeat or ask for help. But this is defeating me and I know I need help.
My tinnitus started almost 3 years ago, and is in conjunction with constant discomfort and sometimes painful spasms and thudding noises in only my right ear.
Ear syringing did nothing at all, except prove it is not an ear wax problem. The 'pitch' of the sounds I experience change whenever I chew. My head no longer feels like my own. I often think maybe I have a tumor or something sinister. One doctor I saw at Altrincham Hopital, said to me: ''the best way to deal with it is imagine you are at the seaside'' My look must have said it all.
Recently I am more depressed than ever, and I dont use that word lightly.
I have not worked since the end of last year. I left my career as an administrator 2 years ago, the firm I had been with since I left school, due to my inabiltiy to cope with stress, and loss of my powers of concentration. My attitde began to upset others, totally out of character for me, I found myself unable to perform my duties, the very job I had been doing since I left school, and my bosses were starting to ask me questions. I decided to resign, before I was put under a disciplinary or demoted or even dismissed. I decided to move into manual work in order to try and beat it. My last job was permenant night shift at a dairy, I left as I was totally exhaused due to lack of sleep caused by the frustration of my tinnitus, and a combination of all the problems I have already mentioned.
In essence, this has changed the course of my life in the last few years,and I link all my problems back to my tinnitus. I am keen to know how this curse of a condtion affects other folk and how they deal with it on day to day basis, so maybe then I can come to terms with it myself and attempt to get my life back on track.
Thats the plan, but at the moment I wish the ground would open up and swallow me down, after all, I feel I am in hell already, so to be nearer to Hell itself would not be a problem. Thanks for listenting, I hope my dark mood has not rubbed off on to anyone, I hope to speak very soon. Thank you.