easilyled's Journal

feeling shit today. actually for past few days, inevitable i suppose after returning from a short camping trip. did quite well on the trip, anxiety only ruined one day really, rest of the time i felt ok, i needed the break, but returning home to sit in a house all day and night on my own was bound to bring me down. i still live with my mum and sis, but they both work a lot, mum has three jobs sis just the one but works day and night (animal rescue hospital) and socialises in any spare time she has. ive also got no money at the moment, so cant do anything even if i felt up to it. its just the depression thats doing me in at the moment, just sit staring or sleeping, no energy to do simple household things, which has led to arguments today in the brief time i saw mum before she headed off to next job, it all started with the sentance i uttered after picking her up from work, i just said "i wish my life would change"; this led to the usual "you've got to make yourself do more, join something, volunteer etc etc" with me saying "i cant even cope with going to the shops, how am i going to conduct myself in (blank)." the holiday really is over. mum wouldnt let it lie and kept on as soon as we got in the house, about me not hoovering up, mowing the lawns, washing up, picking up towels, whatever else. then more with the "you've got to try harder", after looking forward to being able to talk to another human all day i find myself sitting here counting the seconds til she goes to the next job, all night i'll be alone, and all day tomorrow, and so it continues. i know some people have it harder, i know people will say im not helping myself, but i dont think anyone can feel as lonely and isolated as i do, since this illness, before even, if there really ever was such a time, my life is just nul and void, painful and sad, lonely, so isolated. but ive said to myself im going to try and do better tomorrow, im going to set my alarm early to see if i can go out jogging, then im going to do the housework, then im going to maybe do some yoga, always makes me feel better, just seems too much effort most of the time. going to watch a favourite counterculture film of mine in a little while, which is actually a sign that im not completely low today, maybe just writing here helps. its kind of distraction from thinking about why my ex hasnt returned my desperate email or texts, wish i hadnt have sent them in some ways, but just want to still be in her thoughts, not just residing in oblivion, besides no one else to talk to, no one that knows me well enough. desperation isnt pretty. wish there was a dating site for damaged souls (actually i think my soul is fine, deep deep down, shrouded in fear perhaps but full of love nonetheless, its just this organic machine i reside in, its been recalibrated to run on constant threat alert, running off negative fumes and junk food, outdated, heavy and depressed, scared). anyway enough for now, tobacco calling, constant burning friend.