annieagain's Journal

I do not know where to begin here.  So much is going on and I am having trouble wrapping my mind around any of it.  First off Gary did not get to go home they sent him to Campo their Breaking Cycles program for at least 21 and possible 51 days.  It is a boot camp type program.  I hate the thought of him being there and I cannot help wondering what I did wrong.  I know kids have their own minds and make bad choices and I raised him right but I do have moments that I get a bit of overwhelming feelings of self-pity and why my baby!  I do manage to pull through this I am still sad but it is hard and I have been crying alot.  I still cannot completely understand or put everything in place that he stole a car and drove speeds exceeding 130mph and at times on only 2 wheels and on and on!  I am fortunate to have a son still and I am praying hard for his continued safety.  All I want to do is hug him again.     Then the oldest she had her son 2 wks ago and has not called him since.  I have him today and until tomorrow we are going to make meatballs and hopefully cookies.   He is such a wonderful child but he is hurting and I know he is angry.  He still defends me everychance he gets, he made a comment today upon hearing all women are trouble he said right away not my grandma.  I was touched but he should have been saying that about his mom!  I still hurt that my own daughter can be so heartless.    Now one more thing Stephanie I get weekly progress reports and this last one was bad I mean really bad,  I will discuss this with her dad and we will decide how to handle it.  

I spent all of yesterday tracking down my MRIs  and doctor notes.  I learned little about my MS dx but I did read more about my back problems a bulging disc and something about a heinated disc.  No wonder I hurt in my back all of the time I knew I had problems there and also arthitis there but OUCH!  Now what will need to be done next?  I keep having migraines and while the imitrex takes care of headache only nine in one month is not enough.  So I am going to my primary care doc monday for migraines and referral for back doctor stuff and to make sure communication lines will be open with new neuro.    I used to think being a parent of five prepared me for my job as a social worker in skilled nursing but I now know the two prepared me for my life as a patient!  What happened to growing old gracefully growing a garden having dogs and cats and a talkative pet bird.  After all these trips to doctors and pharmacies and therapy I barely have time to eat and clean up after myself let alone garden feed dogs, cats then can the tomatoes write a book on and on all that stuff I had looked forward to doing...

I am certain this all too shall get better and I will have a cat and a dog and some tomatoes and peppers.  Even some morning glories along with hollyhocks and gladiolas I plan on living to 100 so I will find the time. . .even write a book. 

I feel better now after writing all that is bothering me today!  Thanks for listening!