annieagain's Journal

OHHH! I am hurting really bad today do not know why either!  My back is still tender even to be touched and standing upright is very painful.  Now this is depressing me it is cutting into my shopping time and my housecleaning time(no I am for once ready to clean and organize this place).  I was able to clean the toilet and  bathroom sink(they do look nice) but it was so painful I quit before I got to the tub.  I still have to load the dishwasher and mop, yuck!  Think I will find something less stenous to do this evening. 

Gary is hopefully coming home tomorrow.  I know he is happy about that!  I am just a little scared well maybe alot scared!   I am trying hard to not let it overwhelm me.  I hope he knows and understands how lucky he is and how loved he is by his family.  Stephanie on the other hand is driving me to consider alcholism!  Truefully I am very worried about her she sleeps all the time and I cannot get her to eat much let alone right and the mood swings are worse than any 13yo I have ever witnessed, she simply had no control over them at all.  I told her she needs a physical and that will entail blood work and until she has that done she will not be doing anything except school.  The last time Dr ordered bloodwork she refused and ran out of the building.  I can barely get any help out of her. 

I myself I am fighting off the plight of depression.   The month of February has been awful here in IL.  Knowing what has happened first the women who were killed while shopping and now the shooting at NIU I am finding it hard to face the world with any optimism.  I just think of the ladies shopping for various reasons, and knowing how close the management and customers are at stores like that one.  It saddens me, I have worked as an Assistant MGR of a store like LaneBryant and my girlfriend(shopping buddy) we always shop together in the same store and always have so much fun.  I am trying to not obsess over this but how afraid they must have been that morning doing what women love to do.   I do not know if I will ever be able to shop like that again.  Then how many times have I sat in a lecture hall thinking all the world is safe it was a college campus.  The terror again they must have felt.  Then I think about the families and their pain and I am once again sick.  The pain of that somewhere the shooters both must have been feeling to do something so terrible.  I went through all of these feelings once before when I was around 16  I could not enjoy Christmas because of overwhelming saddness about what was going on in the world all of the people who were hungry and children who did not have things as nice as I did, with my family all around me wonderful gifts and that conveted new tennis racket with those stupid expensive strings.  Don't know why sometimes I feel somethings so deeply.  Maybe it is my way of pushing aside what in my life is a bit overwhelming!  I do not know.  I will not let this take over my life, I am sorry I did not ever really enjoy that tennis racket, but I am going to enjoy my life now and all that waits ahead of me.