naomi683's Journal

Well, things are better for me now on the food front. Today is my second day no binging and purging after my slip up. I really think I can go on from here. I think I was just feeling down and depressed the other day and when you have a bad day it's hard to make yourself feel positive about anything.

The bad thing is - I've been having lots of obsessive bad thoughts again just since yesterday afternoon. I sort of know what triggered it... I came to the realisation that food has become an obsession in my life so I've been trying not to think about it. Usually when I'm bored I'll count calories, or plan my diet or think about my weight (sad I know but its true) So now I've been trying to not think about it - I don't feel like I have any thoughts that are a safe haven for me. I've let the thinking back in that I'm scared every thought I think is going to be a bad thought and I try to 'not think of them' and in essence think of them by default (if that makes sense... you can't 'not think something' coz you've already thought of it) People say, 'what kind of bad things?' well its pretty much everything you can think of really, I'm afraid I'm going to think nasty things about people in my head, or be negative about every situation and think a lot of swear words which is horrible because I hate swearing. I get pannicky and nervous and its mentally exhausting trying to 'not think things for hours'. I can't concentrate on things properly and I feel downright awful about all the horrible things going through my head.

The worst possible thing I can do is stress out about it and focus on it. I have to remind myself that sometimes I go through a bad patch and then I'm completely fine if I just let myself relax and forget about it. When its forgotten I have no problems at all. So its no use worrying about the future... I have been through a dark cloud but it's just passing by and I'll come through it.

Also - I weighed myself before and I'm under 53kg YAY! It wasn't even morning so I'm probably even less than that. I'm getting close to my goal and it feels really good.