carolmlore's Journal

Dear DS friends,  I wrote in one of my previous journals about my husband's and my sexual problems.  He has gone way over the edge.  I will try to keep my remarks as "generic" as possible. Last evening he started talking again about including another man into an intimate session.  For some reason, I played along with him to see how far he'd go with this and to what extent.  I even agreed to go along with it.  He seriously wants this to play out.  At first I thought this was just a fantasy, but it is much more.  I asked him how we would find this person.  He said that you could find someone on Craig's List and that he wanted me to start looking today.  I asked him what about STD's?  He said that this other person could wear a condom.  I then asked "Wouldn't you be jealous of me having sex with another man?"  He said no that he would enjoy it.  At this point my heart was sinking and I began to feel paniced.  I guess he noticed the look on my face, because he said "Do you really want to do this?"  I told him "Not in a million years!".  Then why did you lead me on?  To see how far you'd go with this and I thought this was just a fantasy of yours.  He was shocked that I wasn't going to do it.  I told him that I felt that a woman who would do such a thing would be a whore, and I am not a whore.  I asked him did he remember accepting Christ (2 years ago) and getting baptized?  He was getting ashamed at this point.  He said yes.  I said "Was that real to you?"  Then he began to turn angry and tried to turn the blame around. "Now I'm going to be in trouble, blah, blah, blah...."  I said "yes you are in trouble", "Maybe you'd like to get a $20 prostitute also."  Anyway, so this night was a total disaster.

I am scared to death of having to get another divorce.  Our house will have to be sold, and our 3 dogs disposed of.  I am heart broken.  I want to save my marriage if at all possible.  I thought of forcing him to go back to counselling, but I need a consequence if he won't.  My heart beats wildly now and I have to hold back my tears until I can cry in private.  How did I get myself into such a mess?  This is not the man I married.  I do not trust him and I'm afraid he is going to give me an STD.  I think that when I was single, I did not wait for God's will.  I wanted to be married again, so I took things into my own hands instead of relying on God to bring me a godly husband.  (My husband and I met on the Internet.)  Now I am in the desert.  I feel like my life is soon to be turned upside down.  I don't know what advice any of you can offer me, but I just feel like crying out to someone.  Love, Carol