srambled's Journal

Just wanting to point out an interesting contrast between the two POF guys I've been messaging.  If you want to give your 2cents, I would welcome it -- provided its not about me obssessing over this.  Its just me writing this out and just being curious. I know Kate will have her 2cents worth -- way worth more than 2cents to me, as she is use to the online dating and she will point out good and bad points.  Things to just consider in the back of my mind as I try this online dating thing.

Racer -  loves chatting on the web-cam.  Has not expressed any desire to meet or even exchange numbers yet.  This is on my back brain as a possible flag -- however, I also know from talking to his cousin he is single and available.  So could be Racer is just taking his time, could be hasnt gotten enough interest.  Could be anything.  Just pointing this out as ths is in contrast to the other, LOL.

Cop - has expressed a desire to meet in person.  Has asked for exchange of numbers.  Which I finally just did a few minutes ago.  Conversations and questions designed to get to know the person.  Not much on the flirting side although he mentioned he liked my pics and my profile.

Racer - heavy flirting-- mostly about himself.  No mention of my pics or profile.  Really not much questions designed to know the person.  Lots of talk about sex which I tone it down. 

Just interesting the contrast between the two already.  Only meeting in person and in time will tell.  Will be interesting to see how they pan out.

Still unsure what to do about my weekend although I did get an invite from Biker Ted for a motorcycle ride.  So I may do that.  Hard to turn down a motorcycle ride.  LOL.  Already laid down the rules for him.  Just Friendship.  Not into him on any other level anymore. 

Just writing and seeing how things progress.  Have no particualar viewpoint on etiher Cop or Racer -- not yet.

Majority of my Ds friends have gotten a life and moved on.  I am stuck in limbo.  And its hard.  I have made progress.  Got my car fixed.  I am moved on from the divorce, now its learning how to move on from being so destroyed and guess some of my DS friends have lost patience with me.  As I try to move into a happier place emotionally, making mistakes and getting depressed, they are no longer willing to support and stand by me. 

Dont have my own place yet.  Havent found a safe, healthy relationship with anyone.  Not even talking long-term, but not finding any short terms ones either -- that are healthy and good. 

So my many journals of crying over Pirate last year.  Then recently Ucker.  Does it matter that although I felt deep - more deep than anyone could understand that I took things so personally or to heart -- well, the fact is, I felt things.  and guess they couldnt understand it, got tired of it, and moved on.  Cuz I wasnt talking about my X anymore.  I was talking about people I met, got involved with on a physical level and I got attached deeper than they could understand.

So ok I realize that more than half has to do with my own self-worth issues.  I want someone to like me.  To desire me.  To want to hang out with me.  I find someone who at first seems to want to do the same.  They lead me on to think that we will be great friends  I start believign I found a LOCAL companion to hang out with.  To explore with.  So I get happy.  I start looking forward to things.  Then crap happens.  The lies.  The misleading.  Me -- trying to hang on to something that was so full of potential -- I hang on way too long I know.  And it takes many journals of me going up, down and all around trying to figure out should I hang on more, shuold I let go.  Then I let go and the person comes back -- reels me back in and boom -- I go thru it again.

I like to journal - unfortunately about everything.  I never hold in.  But this is DS where I thought I could do so without fear of backlash.  After all, DS has helped me to keep it here and not out in the real world.  Therefore, Pirate and Ucker never got to suffer listening to me.  Friends met outside of DS never get to hear all the many thoughts in my head.

So now I have struck up decent conversations with 2 different people on POF. A Racer and now another Cop.  Go figure.  The Cop is in Maryland about 20 minutes north of me.  He and I are hitting it off thru emails but then again, there is that Work thing.  Both of us working along parellel lines so its easy to talk about certain things.  His job, my job.  Cuz we both understand it well.

Neither one have met in person yet.  I realize its just too soon.  I would like to journal about it.  Cuz the conversations have been fun, surreal on some levels, because its been a good distractions.  But I feel scare to journal about them or it.  Scared people would read into it that I am once again obessing.  When in reality all I am doing is just writing.  Just telling. 

What else am I going to journal about?  Carla is still the same.  Home situation is still the same. Finances still the same.  The only thing that changes on a regular basis are my many attempts at making friends or something.

And I am not one of those people who journal only when its something very deep.  I journal about EVERYTHING, Good, Bad, Deep, Small.  Its just me.

So am realizing some DS people arent caring to hear about it unless its Profound.  Deep.  Positive.  Or needing some true genuine help.  What abuot the small stuff?

Ok two people met thru POF.  Nothing has come of it yet -- its too new and recent.  So do I wait until something happens before I journal?  Some DS friends would rather I wait to do so.  Why journal about something so insifignicant.  Because to me it is significant.  Its not earth shattering but its something.

So I still have the desire and craving to journal but no one cares because its not important.  Its so insificant to them so why bother.  Why bother to journal about how I am handling the Ucker situation.  They are tired of hearing about him.  But to me its a process. 

Said to my best friend.  I feel worse now than I did 2.5 weeks ago.  The longer it has taken for him to NOT contact -- the worse I feel.  Its like I have to get worse before I get better.  I couldnt shrug it off when after the first week he didnt call. This is someone I WORK WITH so there is more to it.  Not so easy.  This is someone I am constantly trying to find the right balance so I cuold be the better person.  He is in my face at work -- contact at work.  And its not so easy to shrug him off -- I have to talk to him somewhat.   I do my best to keep it non-personal.  But yeah when I get home, all that holding in, pretending -- it comes out painfully so.  Because it was Non-Personal contact.  Because I want personal contact and I aint getting it.  Because its the rejection factor.

She helped me last night to realize its not me.  Its him.  He is the one with issues.  My co-workers are noticing now.  They noticed how my Supv constantly talks to me about Ucker and how I am trying to just listen without listen.  Without showing emotion.  But they see it affecting me.  Because I am isolated Mon thru Wed for 8hrs a day -- I dont see what goes on in The Office.  They do.  They see Ucker come in.  They see another person come in.  They see how Supv is saying things to these people -- about me.  They hear Supv talk to Ucker and this other person about me.  Sabatoging it further. 

Told my co-worker yesterday.  So be it.  He and I had a deal.  To not jump to conclusions when it comes to rumors and espcially Supv.  To talk and communicate about it before doing so.  And well, Ucker may be hearing all this crap from her but he is not expressing it to me so therefore I cant defend myself.  I am hearing all this crap about him and I tried ONCE to contact and told him I was hearing things but I was not going to play to it but if he wanted to talk to contact me and he has not done so. 

As best friend says His problem.  I was willing to communicate and get thru it.  If he has decided I am not worth it -- his loss.  I have been ok with that part of it.  I know he is losing out on a great friendship. 

My thing was; I was feeling sorry for him for all the crap he keeps suffering thru.  No longer.  He has taken it out on me for no reason.  I no longer feel sorry for him.  I no longer care so much. 

And as always I keep moving forward.  But right now, there is just nothing of importance to journal about and now I really dont know what to do.  Come off DS until then?  That is how I feel more times then not.  To just stop DS cuz no one cares.  Not unless its something big.

But alas, I have nothing signficant to report.  Its just me getting thru each day.  Letting each day go by for lack of anything else right now.

TGIF!!!  And a 3-day Holiday weekend -- even though I have absolutely no plans.  Wanting some much needed sleep after talking to Racer every night this week until 11pm.  He wont be around this weekend he says.  I was hoping to not be around, but alas, I will be home. 

Went home sick from work yesterday.  Today is going to be so slow for me.  Usually I am in the fine room on Fridays except the 2nd Friday then I am in Court.  I was off the 2nd Friday in Sept and today my Supv wants to go back in - again.  Fine with me, but that means I am in the Office which equals - boring.  LOL. 

Still amazed about how easy it was to get scoop on Racer.  Still amazed that he laughed about it and didnt seem bothered by it.  Just feels weird cause you have this perception about people you meet on these dating sites.  So many horror stories.  Is he a rapist?  A Stalker? Is he married.  Is he safe. etc etc.  And for me to work with someone who is related to him - that is just so damn un-real.

Ok so havent been asked to meet yet. But its ok. 

TGIF  - I so need to sleep.