I feel lonely
but I want to left alone. I am tired,but I don,t want to sleep.I am still waiting for my acceptance letter for my …
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I am feeling powerless. I left my husband and son in Florida to live with my brother in Minnesota. We have been waiting and waiting for an answer regarding his appeal for a liver transplant. Today we heard that it was denied. He is in denial and I am angry. I don't know what to say or do for him today. I am a hospice nurse who in now at loss for the right words and actions. His tumors were to large (6cm and 3cm) and he now has a tumor or clot in his portal vein. I want to know how much time he has left. I want the world to stop and honor my pain. I want the doctars to be honest and open with me. I hate it when they say, " We don't know, or we can't say." I don't believe them.
I am tired, and I am going to go play solitaire, so I can get away.
My brother is watching TV, so he can stay away.
There is a large shadow of sorrow in this house.
We are waiting for the doctar to return our call. Now there is a dream that never comes true.
I am tired, and I am going to go play solitaire, so I can get away.
My brother is watching TV, so he can stay away.
There is a large shadow of sorrow in this house.
We are waiting for the doctar to return our call. Now there is a dream that never comes true.
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I was where you are now one year ago on Feb 10th. I moved to Minnesota to take of my brother who needed a liver transplant. I also left my husband and 14 year old son behind. I arrived late November and we flew to Pittsburg for an evluation. It was found that he had a 6cm and 2 3cm tumors with portal vein occulusion. As a nurse I knew we had little time left. My brother stayed in denial for some time, even as I allowed Hospice to come. My brother might have had a chance if the VA had begun the treatment plan they had promised us. It was always a waiting game, lies, false promises, paper work done, denied, redone, for two years! It is cheaper for someone to die, rahter then live with disease. And going to Pittsburg not a trip of hope as they told us, but rather one to make us feel something was finally being done. And it was the nurse who calls on the phone with the news. And then the MD tells him he has a year or maybe 1 1/2. I know this is a lie. I tell him he has four months at the most. And he dies at home on Febuary 10th, 2007. I spent many hours playing solitaire, and then worked may way up to hearts. Though it was an honor to share this journey with him, it was 24/7 and filled with emotional issues unresloved from the past that we did not have enough time to complete. He was my tormentor and sexual abuser from the age 04 to 12. I had not spoken to him since 1982 before my arrival. I had forgiven him, but did not who he was now. I still wanted a brother to love, and one to love me. My family paid a large price for my abscense. Especially my son who I left with an alcoholic, workalholic father. A quest for a family is a strong force indeed. So my dear, you are powerless over the disease. Your power is in your love, openess and honesty with your brother. Dying is a scared journey to share. You will be blessed with many gifts and special moments shared. Say what you need to say now, confusion may set in due to the disease process. To prevent this, having your brother pooping and peeing is your daily goal. Retaining fluids or stool will cause confusion. My brother alert until 2 days before death. Called hospice, but do not use "Health Care Partners" , I am a hospice nurse and not pleased with the care.But as a whole, hopice is a group of angels who will help you through. Seattle affairs, share memories, laughter and love. I know you feel you can not endure this sorrow, but you will. Share the gift of you with him. And do talk about dying or let him know it is safe too talk about it. And I promise you, your brother will greive for his death, and go through the anger, bargarning, why me, acceptance and peace before he dies. The dying have to get this done and they do. I have seen many patients die, and I have never seen one that has not found peace by the end of the journey. We are not so lucky. Our grief process will take as long as it takes. So it will be a year on the 10th for me. I am back living in Flordia trying to heal the wounds of my own family and still searching for a home and a real family.
Listen to your gut, and do what it says. Always ask a nure rather then a MD for answers. And get copies of medical reports so you have the facts. There is no medical treatment for tumor you describe. What was the cause? My brother Viet Nam Vet who got hepatitis C. He was 58 years old.
Your journal, a blessing to me today. Sharing your story was your gift to me today. I know you want the world to stop and can't understand how it goes on when your brother is dying. I could not even go out and shop for food without getting mad at the world for not stopping to tell me how sorry they were for my pain. I thought my heart would break and life would never be happy or good. It will never be the same. But I can also promise you, that a gift will come to you as your brother protects and guides you when he travels on. And a new dream will come. You will need to greive, but we are not meant to suffer.
Oh, I hope this find you out there. I am truly sorry for your brother and your family. In honor of my brother and yours, I will take a moment of silence, to stop the world, and just remember and pray for you.
S.A.D. (my intials)
sadrn