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so the last couple of days, I have been out of control. In fact, I have been an asshole.
i have pissed off or disappointed every friend that I have.
another one of my roomates was so pissed off at me, that she came at me violently.
I have to wonder what the fuck I am doing? What in the fuck am I even thinking?
These people who I have pissed off are my close friends and none of them want anything to do with me until I get my shit straight.
How do I do that? Get a job, is it really that simple like most think? What's an employer gonna think of me, a person with like 20 gaping wounds on my arms. How do I explain that or keep it covered? Even if my friends see my arms now, they are gonna freak out and truely realize that something aint right with me.
I don't know what to do. I feel like taking a bunch of pills and calling it a day---wake up where ever.
Ya know, I fight most days to be a good person, just the last few weeks, i feel just like i felt in early June 2008 when I didn't give a shit about life and tried to kill myself. I feel exactly like that now and it's affecting my outside behaviors completely. I used to be pretty good at hiding my inner turmoil, and even my cutting I was able to hide better than I can now.
I feel like I should go away to a VA inpatient program, but I don't know if they can help me. I have to help me, but that's the whole problem. I don't have any good coping skills when I get these crazy thoughts in my head.
Omg, I cut 2 days ago, and I am still bleeding...fucking retarded.
Comments
wow, deep question---im not gonna go to deep though, just a brief overview; going to deep i think would push me over the edge today:
had a fairly decent childhood- good parents and great siblings--i was adopted by my Dad, so everything I did was never good enough for him--still to this day it's like that.
I got molested when I was 5 by a pre-school teacher, then abused sexually by a neighbor when I was 14 till like 16.
I ran away at the age of 19 and went to join the Army Airborne. Stayed in 5+ years till I got hurt on a parachute landing and permanently messed up my legs. I took a medical discharge.
However, before the medical discharge, while I was still in NC, I came back to DC and went to perform in a Drag Show. A place where at the time I had no right to even be there. Something bad happened to me there and within a year I was suicidal. I tried to OD while I was stationed in Korea and was flown off the DMZ to the Hospital in Seoul. I spent 30 days inpatient and sent back to unit to get a medical discharge. (breathing,omg)
I got diagnose BP 10 yrs later after another suicide attempt.
my life has been chaitoc since that terrible nite. I try to ignore it and just move on, but sometimes it's all in my thoughts and i want to die all over again
pat
had a fairly decent childhood- good parents and great siblings--i was adopted by my Dad, so everything I did was never good enough for him--still to this day it's like that.
I got molested when I was 5 by a pre-school teacher, then abused sexually by a neighbor when I was 14 till like 16.
I ran away at the age of 19 and went to join the Army Airborne. Stayed in 5+ years till I got hurt on a parachute landing and permanently messed up my legs. I took a medical discharge.
However, before the medical discharge, while I was still in NC, I came back to DC and went to perform in a Drag Show. A place where at the time I had no right to even be there. Something bad happened to me there and within a year I was suicidal. I tried to OD while I was stationed in Korea and was flown off the DMZ to the Hospital in Seoul. I spent 30 days inpatient and sent back to unit to get a medical discharge. (breathing,omg)
I got diagnose BP 10 yrs later after another suicide attempt.
my life has been chaitoc since that terrible nite. I try to ignore it and just move on, but sometimes it's all in my thoughts and i want to die all over again
pat
Comments
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oh ya i remember this story you told me about. i'm so sorry for the hell you have been through and my heart really does go out to you. i pray you can tackle this even if a day at a time.
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*hugs*
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Its so funny/scary how are childhoods have the abiliy to set us off in the right direction or THE COMPLETELY WRONG DIRECTION...
So this is another "LESSON" that I had to learn the hard way:
When to say LOVE or I love You to someone.
Of course, me..I'm a fucking IDIOT--
WHY IS IT THAT WHEN I FAIL AT SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT TO ME; THAT I ALWAYS WANT
TO DIE--- LIKE CONSTANT THOUGHTS OF SELF INJURY;
EVEN WISHING I COULD BLOW OFF MY HEAD ?????????????????
WTF is this? Why does it always take me to fail someone or something and then BOOM---just like that I spiral down and wont leave my bed unless I am made to by caring friends.
I don't understand this at all. I didn't used to be like this. I should be getting better by now, shit----
The strange part is that by previously doing shit like I am doing now, the end result is always shitty too. I either end up in the psych ward---via--suicide attempt or I end up so depressed, I don't leave my bed for weeks at a time; there by never getting the help I need.
I HATE THE BALTIMORE VETERANS HOSPITAL-----SO FUCKING SCARY IN THERE
CANT GO THERE AGAIN-----
BUT I KNOW I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE AND SOON, OR SOMETHING STUPID IS GONNA HAPPEN---------------------------------------
Comments
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When you're going through hell, keep going.
I love you.
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just take it a step at a time my friend. even if you take baby steps, as long as you go in the forward direction. i wish you wouldn't hurt your self anymore, cuz it hurts me to see you go thru this.
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I'm not even sure where to go with this- I just understand- and I especially understand what it iike to tske it out - all that rage- on yoursle. Hang in thre..I'm with you.
I am not dissapointed in you or mad at you if knowing that helps any. Also, yes you are the only person that can help you in that if you don't want help nothing anyone says or does will help. However maybe an inpatient program could help give you the support and the tools you need. I'm not saying it's nessesarily the right choice, but if you're still bleeding from cuts you made two days ago at the very least you should conscider medical attention (at which point they will want to admit you...). I know what it's like not to care any more. Please find a way to help yourself.
Sakura
it's not that we want nothing to do with you , we're not disappointed in you. We envy how strong you are. It's just that sometimes people need a little nudge, and others need a kick in the back. You need to first make things right at your house, that is your domain, your kingdom, your one true place where you should feel at ease and able to relax. until you complete that, things will not change. I will come over and help you clean that house...
sicilianluvins
SWEETIE, It ultimately comes dowm to you. What do you really realy want? Id you want to be a drag queen? do it. If want to be an astronaut> do it. There is nothing in your way, but you. Now we just have to get you out of your own way!!!
NJgrl
Damn asshole (just kidding)you know i luv ya!Do you think maybe you should show your friends your arms and talk to them about your mental illness,then they would know that when you get in that kinda mood that its not something you can control,and next time they can help you instead of getting angry!I know its hard to do but i think it would releve stress on you and show your friends your problems so they know your not a asshole and struggle with life everyday!You need support!Then they will understand "getting your shit straight"is easier said than done!Have you ever filed for disability?If not maybe it would be worth a try,i know all to well how hard it is to work!
itsmetheresa