Rabbit11's Journal

Now about today, Wednesday.

Today we played one of our State Champion games and we killed the other team: 77 to 32 My choir did sing, but we were soooo bad. The girl who started it was too high and it threw me off, so trying to find the octive lower was hard, so I couldn't. When we got off the court I was sooo upset with how we sang. I was then told that the alto's sucked (I'm an alto). But over all it was good. The only other thing that was bad was we sat behind the hoops, so when I needed to go to the bathroom I had to walk up too many stairs.

We soon got to the Tech Site where all of our belongings were. When we got in I was told to go to the lunch room and I tried to eat, but couldn't. I grabbed the sun chips from the bag. All of the sudden I got up and felt lost. I once again started having a panic attack, so I went to a table without people and placed my head down and started to breath deep breaths.  I managed to devert that one. Soon we were able to get to our stuff. I grabbed my stuff, but while grabbing it I started having another panic attack. I got lower to the ground and started breathing. One of the drill members from Stephen's group asked my friend if I was okay. My friend told them that I sometimes have issues with being in large groups for long periods of time and that I had calastrophobia(fear of small spaces. Sorry spelling is most likly wrong there) After I deverted it and I went looking for Ms. Chris. I found her and asked her to take something for me and get rid of them. Guess what they were... It was all of my razors in a paper pocket I made the night before. She looked at me happy and said "sure baby."

I then went back into the room and Stephen told me that I was able to leave, but I said "I-" "You need to talk to me, right?" I nodd my head 'yes.' Soon after he got his kids going to the ComArts Site, we and several other girls started walking back with him.

I told him "sorry for how I sang to day. I know I was really bad. Next time it won't happen again."

He says "Ashley, hun, you did nothing wrong today. Chaney was too high and it threw everyone off."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I'm going to want you, Chaney, and Phil to sing tomorrow and possibly Saturday."

"Okay."

We then start talking about other things. We get within a block of the school and I said "Stephen, I forgot to tell you something good."

"What?"

"I gave all my razors to Ms. Chris."

He turns to me and smiles.

"That's great Ashley. I think you're making great progress it's just when you get down is when things happen."

We then continue to talk. I soon leave and go to the library. I see my friends. We chill on the beanbag chairs. Keith tries to close the blinds, but one of the metal things fall and he catches it. Later Eyrin starts to freak out having more panic attacks and has several things were she thinks she is actually in a war and survivors are getting killed and she sees a four year old boy die and blood is on her hands, so me and Keith had to hold her down and calm her down. We managed to get her home safly without anymore then one on the street we had several minutes before hand.

So that was Thursday.

Oh I forgot to add. I'm super stressed and scared not having my razors. I got up from sleeping next to my friends in the library and just pictured myself cutting. I got up and went to my jacket. I looked for my razor realizing it wasn't there anymore. Eyrin comes over and calms me down. Keith then sees me and also comes over. He hugs me and asks "whats wrong?" I tell him that I wish I had my razor. I miss it soooo badly. He hugs me and Eyrin tells him that she's got me now. I told her I'm going to go to the bathroom, clean my cuts, and get me air. She says "Don't hurt yourself now. If your not back in a few minutes I'm going to send people out looking for you." I tell her "okay."