Rabbit11's Journal

Well the past two days have been... well I'm not sure what's the word. So I'll start about Wednesday then go to today (Thursday).

So Wednesday wasn't so good. I was super stressed about finishing my project for acting, which was to make a poster on HIV/AIDS because that was the final project along with our scripts and questions from our acting book. I got all done, which felt good when I did. I then went with Stephen to the Middle School and help him with the kids. They're bad kids. A fight broke out, so Stephen, another high school student, and I had to break up the fight. Soon the day was over with them. Me and Ms. Chris (close friend of Stephen's who works with him) went to the ComArts Site and grab the rest of the choir, which was a hassle because none of them were up at the front waiting for us, so we had to get them.

We finally got everyone in the van and went to get Stephen and left for North High School. We got there and ran into the school. We got in and about an hour(during break) into the after pratice, I got extreamly lightheaded and fell on to the ground, my hands were sweating and shaking, hard time breathing, and I was crying. Ms. Chris came up to me and asked if I was okay. I shaked my head 'no.' She then asked why and I told her that I was having a panic attack. All of the sudden she pulls me up and rushes me out of the room. We get out of the room and I had to sit down. She started making me take deep breaths. She asked if the Spirit came to me, I told her "I don't know and that it just hit me." We then walked to the water fountain and she made me take some drinks. She asked "what's causing all the stress?"

I turned to her and said "I'm dealing with family problems and I've been doing things to myself again."

"What kind of things?"

"I restarted cutting I just want it to stop." I start crying.

"Oh baby... That's why you wear all those long sleeves. You're so smart and pretty. It hurts me to hear you do that to yourself."

She pulls me to her and hugs me tightly. She tells me to cry it all out, so I continued to cry. She then grabs my hands and looks me into my eyes.

"Ashley, you shouldn't hurt yourself. I'm here if you ever need to talk. Before we leave I'm going to make sure you have my number, so you can call me anytime you need to talk. Okay?

"Okay."

"I see that you also have self-esteem issues..."

Ms. Chris goes into this long preaching thing about how that I shouldn't use the word 'can't' and that I shouldn't be ashamed of myself and that I can be happy.

She then says "Ashley, I want you to promise me to do somethings over break."

I cring.

"No, no, listen to me."

"Okay, I'm listening."

"First off, get rid of all the things you used to cut yourself. Second, clear your room of things that have any negitive vibe because that makes you worse. Next put posters with good sayings on your walls, so that you have something to make you feel better and make yourself think more possitivly about yourself. When we get back from break I want you to be wearing bright colors without sleeves. You to not harm yourself and you to continue to take your medications. Can you promise me that?"

"I don't know, I don't think I can."

"Ashley, I know you can do it."

"I don't know if I can."

"The Ashley I know can get rid of her harming tools. I know you are strong, but you will be even stronger if you get rid of them. Can you do it?

"I... I... I guess."

"You guess? I need more then that from you girl."

Pause.

"I can try my best to do it."

"Good."

Ms. Chris asks me if I'm ready to go into the room and tells me to take a breath. I then shake my head 'yes.' We walk into the room. When we get into the room, they're going over a song, so I hop in. Then after we're done and I get a chance to sit down several people walk up to me from both, MTS and North, and asked if I'm alright and if someone did anything to me. I told them that "I'm fine now. Nobody hurt me." One of the guys adds on "good. Nobody better hurt my singing friend." We then go over a song and then sit down to listen to North High's choir director. He was taking about when Stephen yelled at the choir while I was out of the room saying something like 'what is going on here? We're a bunch of black people and yet we can't get any feeling.' The director refered to that and then added me saying "we're a choir of a black people and one white, very kind, and nice girl." That made me feel really uncomfortable. Frankly I wouldn't have mind if he left me out of that. I'm just soooooo tired of hearing things about color. That seems to be the only thing that I hear now a days. We then left.

So that was Wednesday.