Rabbit11's Journal

Fuck, today (Tuesday March 24, 2008) was good until 4th Period with Trey. I was forced to go shoot video when I told Trey I just wasn't up to it and that I'm just drained. I told him I would work on my screenplay, but he wouldn't give in. I walked with the three younger kids to the store and we filmed. Of course I was the one filming the whole thing, it's like you guys could do this. I just wasn't up for the fighting. When we got back to the school with like ten minutes left I had to do all the work of putting it into the computer. I'm done doing things unless they need my help. I could be using my time for more productive things. I then left school and went to the library.

When I got to the library I hung out for like five minutes. I got the updates about two of my friends are going out. I gave them updates with me telling them why I haven't been to the library in a while. My buddy, Keith, sat on my lap telling me that he knows that there was something wrong with me. I wouldn't tell him so he kept tickling me. So I told him that I'll tell him later. He got off and walked off, which I turned to my other friend, Eyrin and talked to her about what's been going on. After like an hour of hanging out and what not we went to Taco Johns as a group and bought tacos. We then started walking back to the library and this guy who we were hanging out was rubbing his ass along me and kept looking at my chest at which I kept telling him to stop. When we got into the library I buttoned my cover shirt and he started hitting me, so I hit him back. Eventually this developed into a fight (didn't get kicked out). When Keith came over and made him stop and Keith walked off.

This guy then started again, so again I started him back. In my eyes no man has a right to lay a hand on me without getting hit. This guy then hit my ass, which caused me to have flashbacks and then a panic attack started, so I walked fast to my jacket discreatly pulled out my razor and hid it in my pocket and ran out of the room. As I was running I could hear Keith yelling my name, but I just had to get out of there, so needless to say he came rushing out to me. He asked me what was wrong? What did they do? and if everything would be okay, so I told him yeah, just need to get away for a minute. Suddenly, this lady comes up to me. She says "you need to leave Keith alone. He is doing a project, so he doesn't fail. So don't bother him anymore." I turned to her "I didn't bother him. I just needed to get out of there for a minute." This lady walks back in.

I walk a few feet away and sit in a chair holding my razor tightly in my hand. Suddenly that guy walks by asking me to come have a smoke with him and that he would buy me coffee, but I told him no, so he walked off. Eyrin then walks by me and then a few minutes later she walks to me. She asked me what was wrong and all I told her was I had a panic attack and needed to get away for a minute. She then calmes me down even more and hugs me and goes back in. Several minutes later, I walk back in and quickly put my razor in my gift card holder. I then sit with the rest of the group. Several minutes later, Keith walks up the group mad, so I ask him what was wrong and he told me he was mad at the lady. So I start to calm him down and the lady walks up. She starts to tell him to go back to the computer and that I shouldn't be messing with him and saying that I'm nothing but a discraction and that I should leave. I turn to her and say "hold on." Keith in the background tells me "Ashley, don't say anything."  I continue "What?! How am I being pulled into this?! I haven't done nothing to make him not do his project! I had to leave the room! You need to stop coming at me like that as if you know me!" She starts attacking me, so I get up and say "you know what, I can't do this. I will beat your ass if I hang out here another minute."

I walk to my jacket grab my razor, stuff it into my pocket, and walk out mad. l walk to the downstairs bathroom and cut my arm in rage (only four marks). I walk then up to the upstairs bathroom and broke down. I started crying while taking care of the cuts. I looked at myself and then started praying to God. "God, I need your help. I'm sooo tired of getting blamed for things. I want to stop my cutting soooo bad, but it seems like it won't ever stop. God, I'm seriously asking for your help. I normally don't break down and pray in public out loud, but I need some your extra strength now. I'm sooo scared right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to stop my cutting, stop getting harassed, stop the panic attacks, and just feel happy again. Please, please, please God don't forget me. I really need you now."  By this time my mascara is running, so I clean it up and walk to the area. I realized that the library was closing so I rushed to teen area and grab my stuff. Keith walks up to me and says sorry for how that lady acted and asked what was going on, so I told him about home and that I restarted cutting. His jaw dropped and he pulls up my sleeve, looks at the cuts, hugs me, and tells me everything is going to be alright. He continues to tell me that he will be there to help me and support me in anyway that he could.

We walk then outside and wait for Eyrin. Keith starts talking to me and he once again pulls my sleeve up and looks at them.

He says "Ashley, you are strong. I know you can make it. I will do anything possible that you need. If I need to push people into the street to help you I will. I think of you as a little sister. You going to not do it again."

"I can't promise that."

"Can you promise?"

"I can't."

"Can you promise that you will try your hardes to try not to?"

"I guess."

"Okay, good."

He kisses me on the forhead and hugs me. Eyrin walks out.

We get several blocks away from the library to get to the bus and Eyrin starts to speed up quickly, so me and Keith run after her. He grabs her and holds her tightly. I tell her "Eyrin, it's going to be okay. Your with friends. Me and Keith are here." She drops down to her knees and then down to Keith's lap. She starts crying. We hold her, hug her, and tell her she is doing a good job and that we love her. Keith then goes into her purse and grabs her medication and has her take it. She takes it and calms down. We tell her positive things about her. Soon she calmed down and we walked to the bus stop. Eyrin gets on her bus and leave me, Keith and the group. Keith comes to me and hugs me. He tells me that he will be with me until I get on the bus. We start talking and the rest of the group walks up. One of the guys starts calling me an Orc, which means ugly. I tell him to stop, but he continues, so I drop my bag and stuff and take a few steps forward, but Keith stops me.

Keith is holding me back, so I start to take some steps forward and the kid starts saying that they're cute and he would marry one (I'm yelling "I don't care, I don't care...) and that he loves how they look like a pig and how fat they are. I then start trying to take more steps forward, but Keith grabs my jacket hard and tells me that I'm getting mad. Just then my bus pulls up and Keith walks me to the bus, hugs me, and tells me to take care of myself.

So that was my day pretty much. Nothing really happened at school like it showed up there. I'm seriously asking for prayers right now. I'm feeling spiritually weak right now. So yeah please pray for me.