Rabbit11's Journal

This weekend was awesome! I went to Pride for the first time.

So Saturday I met up with some of my friends at the library. After an hour of waiting we left. Eventually we all seperated into groups. It ended up just being me and Keith. We hung out and then left. We went to my house and meet my family all except my mom. I told him about the knife in my room, he made me take it out and when I was walking out my little brother came in so I hid it behind my back holding onto the blade and he got upset. He told me to promise to not hold blades like I did. As I was leaving the room, I told him I would be right back, he asked where I was going and I told him to the bathroom. He looked at me like I was up to something, so I said "I'm going to go in there to cut and drink. Just kidding." I started to turn away and as I did he told me to come to him, so I walked to him. He told me to get down to his level, so I did and when I did, he talked about me and my cutting issue and me to promise to not to and not to drink. He won't let me leave him unless he knows where I'm going. So eventually we left my house.

We walked to the library talking. It was sooooo nice talking to him the whole day! I never get to talk to him beyond the library. So while hanging out at the library, two of our friends came up to me and gave me food. I didn't eat anything, so as me and Keith left I gave him the food. He ate it.

As we were walking towards the bus stop I came across an old friend who I never thought I would see. We talked and she mentioned that she was drunk and that she wanted to drink with me. I said fun and when I did Keith gave me the look. After talking we went to the bus stop; I went into my purse looking for money, but I couldn't find 50 cents, so we walked towards a little store thing. While walking he asked me if I ate and I became silent. He asked again and I told him no, so he told me I'm going to eat. We walked to a pizza place and he told me to order something. I told him I'm not hungry, so he pulled me outside.

He asked why I wasn't going to eat and I said "it's just- I don't know- It doesn't matter."

"What were you going to say?"

"Nothing."

"Just what?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does."

"You won't like it."

Keith looks at me. "Ashley..."

*sighs* "Fine, I was thinking I was fat, ugly, don't deserve to eat."

He hits me lightly in the head twice. "Go in now."

"Fine."

We walk in and I ask him if he is hungry and he says "yes," so I tell him to choose something. After a few minutes he decides and we order. While waiting he tells me that if he wasn't going out with his current girlfriend that he would go out with me. Inside that made me soooooo happ, but sad because I know him and his current girlfriend, Eiryn, will be together forever. I wish I could have a man like him. So we walked to the bus stop and he waited with me. While waiting he made sure I ate my pizza. My bus came and he kissed me on the head and said "love ya sis." He got me onto the bus and left.

I got to know so much about Keith and our group. I really liked having that time together. When ever we talk usually it's depressing, but most of it wasn't. I did tell him how I was on the verg of skipping Pride and commit suicide, but I didn't. But it was really really nice getting to know him a lot better! Why can't I find a guy like him?! I wish him and Eiryn would break up. I hate saying that, but he has been a God send.

As for right now emotionally, I'm really really depressed and want to cut. So yeah.