Roseyma's Journal

Journal Entry for March 28, 2007 Mood

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

It has been way to long since I have written a journal.I have been busy over in the discussion post's and commenting on my friends journals.I am sorry that I stopped writing to all my friends for about a month.I was really down and in that black hole.I made it back out of the hole again but I always wonder for how long.It seems like that black cloud is always over me and following my every move.It feels good to be active on here again.The thing that I don't understand is why can I give out advice to all my friends but I can't help myself?And why am I up one day and down the next.I know it is because I am on that rollercoaster and I want to get off of it for good.I feel so sick today.I don't know if it is from the HepC or if I am catching something.This is the way it always is for me.I am getting scared now because I know my condition is getting worse and I am not on treatment.We will have insurance in May but it will be pre-existing.And we are really struggling with money problems.I feel so bad for my husband.He tries so hard but he is the only one working and all I want is for my 5 year old daughter to stay in her preschool.We can't even pay them.I am really scared right now and I don't have that many people that I can talk to.Some days I feel so sick that I think that I am dying.That is my honest thought.I always wonder how many years do I really have left because I really don't know how long that I have had this.I know that it is more than 10 years.I am sorry to keep going on but I am so scared and confused and I feel so alone and ashamed.I feel so dirty at times but I am a very clean person.I know that my little girl needs me but sometimes I just want to die and end my pain and suffering but then I look at her and I know that she needs me.I am so proud of her.The other day she spelled her name on the computer and she has a long name.Her name is Courtney.That is a hard name to spell for a 5 year old.Okay I need to stop know because I am about to cry.I love all my friends here and I am so sorry if I have not written to all of you.And I love to try to help all my friends and give out advice.I need to learn how to give myself advice.I also need to learn how to love myself.

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Comments

you are a wonderful and sweet person. A good person to have for a friend. You should not feel bad about yourself because you are struggling with money issues, it is awful to have them, and we all have them, I am in debt up to my eyeballs. It makes me physically sick. But it is not who you are. You are not the debt, you are not a bad person because you don't have enough money, you are as good as anybody in this world. Your illness does affect also how you feel, and you can't blame yourself for having some bad times and some good times, we all go through moments where we feel good,and then we get down again. So I wanted to give you some hope and let you know that some better times are around the corner, you will be ok. Like some have said to me, "This too shall pass"---so true indeed.

elisha
I agree with Elisha. Your illness and $$ problems do not define the type of person you are. I know what you mean about feeling bad for your hubby becuase he's the only one working and he wants to make enough $$ to put all fears of debt to rest, but it's hard to get those jobs! I don't have HepC, but my brother did as you know, and he felt ashamed of it, too and it made him so ill. But I told him to not be ashamed of that because again, the disease did not define his character. He was a lot like you personality-wise, too and he meant the world to me. As I told you, March 22nd was the anniversary of his passing and he was my only close sibling and he never got to meet my kids. I miss him terribly. I can't believe how similar the two of you are in so many ways! Just "good people", as they say. We all as human beings have bumps in the road and things we've done that we are not proud of, but we all have to learn to love ourselves. You should be as kind and gentle and caring to yourself as you are to others. The only reason you probably don't take your own advice is you probably are feeling unworthy, and let me tell you Paula...you are most certainly worthy. I've seen the way you try and help people here, we all have seen this and that's why so many feel kindly towards you. When I get stuck on the downside of that "rollercoaster" I, like you, just look at my kids and try to keep it together for their sakes, and my husband's. Take a long, hard look at yourself and you'll see your good qualities far outweigh the bad...and we all have our bad qualities!Can't escape that unfortunately--lol.

Maybe there is some way you can petition your new insurance company so you can get back on medical treatment, which is crucial. If you get that monkey off your back, it'll be a bit easier to breathe. Call them when you get their info, if you don't already have it, and explain your situation. If they say no, don't give up. I also mentioned to you before about seeking free care, maybe even disability, social security, etc. You should be entitled to medical costs as you are unable to work and your husband does not make enough $$. My husband has a similar situation as he makes under 40k and for a family of four, that's considered at the poverty line. Please find a patient's advocate at a local hospital and look into it. I know it's embarrassing at first asking for help, but EVERYONE needs help in their lives at one time or another and you and your family deserve every right to peace and happiness. Let me know how it all works out.

Love,
Karen

karmakaren
Jenn7
I am with you and am keeping you in thoughts and prayers. You are one of the dearest and best friends I know!!! I will write more and/or call you when we get back from Urgent Care/ER. I am so saddened for you and know how good your heart is and how much you are hurting!!! I care for you so much sis and am praying for a reprieve and a miracle! Love you bunches my sweet sis! Jenn

Jenn7
It`s cool!!! you don`t have to feel that way, we all understand.

kbryan17wv
Please dont feel bad, we all get in those moods! I hope everything works out for you, your in my prayers take care and stay strong! hugs :)

Bec59
we all have been there don't worry.you are in my prayers.wheels

wheels
take care of yourself first.
then your child will join in.
and soon your husband will follow.
don't give up.

Lynn45
Paula I am so happy that you have come back to DS. I have been praying for you everyday. It is so cool to see the Lord work through us everyday. I know that it is hard to imagine, but your pain and suffering now is for a reason. Maybe it is to test all of us. Maybe the Lord wants all of us to come forward and share His "Comfort and Love" with you. Or maybe it is for you to build your faith through tribulation in your life. The sad part is that we might not ever know what God's Plan is for all of your suffereing. But I know that the Lord Loves You!!!! He loves you so much that He suffered and died for all whom believe in Him. Our pain is just mild compared to Jesus' suffering. But when it is happening to us, it seems like the Lord has overestimated our strength. But we make it through, Not on our own. But we make it through because Jesus has left us the Holy Spirit, His Word, and each other!! We are here for you Paula!! I'm sure I can speak for all of us when I say, "We are here through the long hull Paula. We will continue to pray for you and encourage you. For we are FRIENDS!!! Love ya!! Pam

hotdog
Sorry to hear you were down for awhile, you need to take care of yourself first. I have been number of times myself so I understand. Sometime being alone helps. I hope everything gets better soon, take care and be well. Mary

missmary
Paula. you are such a wonderful person and you have many friends here at Ds including me. I pray for you and others everyday. I have been going through some rough times myself right now but i want to tell you that you can get help. My insurance did not cover mental health and i could not afford to pay for help. I started to call hospitals and help organizations and found out about free clinics and hospitals that had programs for people who could not afford to pay and offered a slideing scale ( pay what you could afford). I'm getting free theraphist and physchiatrist help because of low income. I can't work and husband is on social security. I pay for my meds but it's a such a reduced price that i can afford it and they have also given me free samples of my meds. So get busy and let you fingers do the walking. Somewhere out there is help for you and treatment for you hep c.

stitch
I wish I could be there to give you big hugs! I feel for you!

BeckyK
I'm so glad to be able to read your journal again. This is a good sign. I read all your comments to my journal. My brother has Hep C and he's also bipolar. He manages to work, but he struggles. My hart breaks for him.
I know you are proud of Courtney. In this, you are blessed in life. What a joy a 5 year old is! I miss the little ones in my life, as my grandkids live in other states.
Stay out of that hole girl..you are getting better!!!

tipperspal
I meant my "heart" breaks for him. You'd think I don't know how to spell! Tee Hee!

tipperspal
Hi Paula,
I'm sorry to hear you are doing so poorly healthwise. Hugs! I wish there were more I could do for you. I can't remember through our talks if you have filed for SSDI or not? I know we've had some long discussions about this in the past, now if I just had a memory on what we covered. I don't believe you will die and leave that precious little girl behind. There has to be some help out there for you to get the psych help you need and get you back on the interferon treatments. That is the only way to combat this. Remember that friend of mine I told you that did the 12 months of treatment? He is still FREE of HepC. You can do it too. I know you can. I'm praying for you Paula. If you can remember, send me a private message and tell me if we covered getting help from your State? I can get the contacts for you if I haven't already. I know I have done this for many people, this is why I can't remember. I know I sent you links for Psych help, did you make any contact? What was the outcome? We really need to get this started, get the ball rolling. Then you can feel you are making progress, well you won't feel like progress at first because the treatment is so horrid and ugly, I won't lie to you. Butr you'll know you are on the road to recovery. Please let us help you Paula, you have to do some of the work, but I'm here to do what ever I can to make this easier for you. If I were closer to you I could do more, but we have distance standing in the way :( Please let me know what I can do to help you further. I can call some places if you'd like? Let me know. Hugs! Tommie

Tommie