megadorkuss's Journal

Well... i've just joined and i hope that this will help make me feel better. ugh... that last sentance made me sound so weepy. It's unbelievably confusing. I don't want to sound all 'everyone hates me...' 'i hate life...' But the fact of the matter is that that is sometimes how i feel.

I want ask for help but i guess i feel guilty for being so stupid when there's people dying all over the place. But then i realise that maybe i really do have problems.. but then i feel guilty again and the circle continues.

The pressure kind of started when i was about six. I know, young. I got bullied a lot by one girl in particular. she was awful to me, and when i told the headmaster, nothing was done about it. Around that time, i found out that my dad smoked, despite what he'd told me. That wouldn't have bothered me if he hadn't lied.
Soon after, my sister was born. I think that it was about that point that my mum slipped into depression.

About a year ago, my parents got divorced. I guess the stress was too much for my dad. That was a very confusing time because, although i knew that theres was no chance of them getting back together, i denied it, convincing myself that it was ok. About this point i began to imagine differant worlds. Nice things, like princesses and butterflys. A load of crap to be honest. When it finally reached a pont where i could no longer deny it, we settled into shared care. There where often little blips, coming from my mums side mainly, but nothing really obvious. My dad moved in with his girlfriend soon after.

More recently, during the last summer holidays, i began to notice a strange smell about my mums house, and there where empty alcohol bottles in almost every room, strangely enough, including my six year old sisters room. The smell was cannabis and my mum was an alcoholic. I denied the fact that she was doing drugs and ignord the bottles, but soon after (about a month), i had to tell someone after having trouble getting contact with childline and frank. I eventually confided in my dad, who took me and my sister away from my mums house. I didn't see or talk to her for about two months after that, but the daily suicide threats reminded me that she still existed. Recently i found out that she attempted suicide twice by overdose and by jumping of abuilding.

After the two months were up, it returned to shared care, but there was always suicide calls to my dad duiring the times me and my sister weren't there. One week, mum turned up at the house, obviously drunk, i don't know if she was high or not. She was banging on all of the windows, and she broke the new front door. I didn't see any of this but i heard all of it going on, including mums shouts of "this women's a prostitute" echoing down the street (referring to my dads girlfriend, Katie). She bit Katie's arm and i called the police. They arrived soon after, and escorted my mum of the premises. I watched her from my bedroom window, staggering into the police car. I went downstairs and we were all in tears, and shaking like mad. luckily my sister wasn't awake. I didn't see my mum for a while after that as well.

A few visits to court, a restraining order and a police caution later, it was finally decided that me and my sis would see mum on a wednesday after school and a saturday, it's to be reviewed in may. Only two days ago, i had to visit the 'cascass' office to discuss what i wanted to do. It's only just hit me that that half an hour could have decided what my life is going to be like for the next five or six years, until i can move out.

A number of people, including my dad and my mum have commented on my 'level of maturity' considering the situation, but just because i've shut my feelings away from them, it doesn't mean that they don't exist. My concentration has completely gone and my grades in school are dropping. I'm called 'emo' by a few people in school, but i don't see why as i'm about as 'emo' in school as a clown. I'm always laughing and smiling, no matter how forced or fake it is. The 'worlds' that i mentioned earlier are getting more realistic and scary, but they still provide some form of comfort. Sometimes when i slip into these worlds people think im just being quiet, and begin to worry about me because i can be trapped in them for hours.

My dreams are even beggining to reflect how i feel. I've had a number of dreams in whch i have commited suicide and in which my sister has died. Even a dream as trivial as my teeth falling out can cause me to worry for weeks.

I have been to see the school councillor a number of times, but only because my closest friends have forced me, i DONT want to go again, even though i know that really i should.