psyche's Journal

I've got to be the world's dumbest woman.  It's been almost a year (jan 25) that my boyfriend left me.  We continue to talk by cell phone but mainly by IM.  He's been housesetting for his sister for the last week and hasn't had a computer he could use.  I don't know which was worse.  Not talking too him or now that he's home talking to him via computer and having him tell me that he's looking for a job as a bar tender and that he's going out for a drink tonight.  He's 37 and pretty damn cute and this info has just killed me.  He doesn't say that he's looking for anyone, but he's already told me that he want's to "borrow" some money and of course, I said yes.  Jeez, I'm the dumbest woman ever.  But....there's always a butt espically one as big as mean has gotten.  But he doesn't say that he's looking for a woman, but he's low on money, etc and face it ladies, we always get crushes on the bartender.  Why can't I just let go and let him go.....why do I torutre myself with the dream that he Might come back.. yea, right...I'm 53 and gotten fat again and still don't clean the house...sigh....I might as well face it....I'm old, fat, ugly and should be dead.  The question then is do I leave him anything or everything.  I love him so much and god, I miss him even more.  What to do....what to do......get the Rx's refilled all at one time....hmmmmm....thinking....I can't live like this....it's just a matter of time until he has a girlfriend...the problem is that he'll have her for months before I figure it out...sigh...I'm pathetic....wish I where dead....sigh