psyche's Journal

Journal Entry for November 28, 2007 Mood

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Oh God, it's happened again. I thought that I had finally made a friend in this new area I was placed in...she was my case manager and for a young girl she was the bomb. She was always and I mean ALWAYS there for me. She even left messages with the weekend staff a couple of times that if I needed her that they were to call her and she always called me. Amazing. Well, I suggested that she might want to think about going to graduate school,e tc. will she's going to school and starting another job next week. I've had one week to deal with this. 2007 has got to be the worse year of my life!....I thought that when I lost my parents in 2004 was bad, but in 2007 I lost my boyfriend of 7 years, both of his parents, moved to a trailer in a place that I agreed to live in for love's sake and love left, I've been hospitalized twiced, self=cut so many times and now tonight trying to talk to my ex just trying to get a "I'm sorry that you're feeling bad" he gives me all these "logical" reasons for my problems, etc. What a bastard. I know I hurt him and hurt him bad, but now he acts like he doesnt' have emotions just anger but denies this. We can't even agree to disagree. but the real reason for this journal entry is that my Cm is lying and I just can't stop crying and screaming and blameing god.....why have I had to lose everything this year.....this Xmas will be the very first in which I will not have a parent, a sighnificant other no one. I'm just so lost and so very lonely. I remember a movie called, "They shoot horses don't they"......why can't we get doctors to help those of us who medicine and therapy havent helped. I'm 53 years old. I know that I'll never find love again. Not at this age. so why do I have to wait for my turn to lay in the nursing home to be the patient that no one comes to visist that gets abused by the staff maybe even raped (again)......why, god,why.....why do you give us a glance at something nice making us think that maybe things have finally changed and then pull it away....does it make u feel good.....Well fuck you you bastard......that's right.....Fuck you God.......I've suffered enough.......I can't do this alone....humans aren't programed to be alone......so if you don't want me then I don't need you.......and if I'm wrong when I'm dead you can tell me so before you send me to vactionland otherwise known as hell.......funny, it will be a walk on the beach after this fucking life time.

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Comments

psyche dont say such, i know it must hurt to be so alone like that no one there, i wish u would chat with me u wouldnt feel so alone, u wont even give me a chance... maybe u dont want to get that close to someone. i know how u feel about the cursin God out thing it feels at times he isnt listening.. i think in away he is listening why else would i write these comments and try and comfort u, its because i care and want to talk with u to make u feel better but u wont let me in.. i know its the same as being face to face but its beter than nothin... i hate this xmas u will be alone i wish i could make it better but im always thinkin of you always.. peace and love always be with you

lostsoul0987
i meant to say i know its not the same

lostsoul0987
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I too am looking at a life without a companion for the rest of my life. I had found the love of my life, believed, dreamed, hoped, and trusted. I also asked God why he had allowed this to happen. But this world is not of God's making. People have free will and often have poor judgement. I cannot blame him for my blindness. That doesn't mean I am not angry--But I want to place the blame squarely where it belongs--on my "H". I too am tired of this world and will be glad when it is over. But I will not leave it voluntarily. I have children and grandchildren I want to be around. My parents are still with me thank goodness. But I lost my brother this last February. He was my protector throughout my life. I could always depend on him to be there for me. Now I have to do this on my own. I don't want pity from anyone--I just want justice.

osa
for a start u can find love again! My grandad did it when he was 60!!!
i'm so sorry ur feeling this way!
hugs and love
xxx

nimwen
The depression is doing much of the talking thinking....I know- have been there...so you feel isolated? WHat is keeping you there? Is there anywhere else you could go or have wanted to go to before? Also- my friend's grandfather took her in when we were teenagers- and Marve as we called him was 80, and rarely w/o a date- on his 80th b-day he pierced an ear...he was young at heart, despite how hard his life had been....it is in how we choose to view and use it I think, but getting through the lows is hard....

rmaia