psyche's Journal

Please forgive the self pity that you'll hear in this journal entry, but I've just been kicked in the ovaries once again by fate.  When my boyfriend walked out on me in Jan of this year in Feb I met a wonderful young woman who became my case manager at the battered womans shelter.  I know for a fact that I would not have made it as far as I have without her this past year.  She has helped me through 2 psych hospitalizations and another OD that didn't go to the hospital.  She's been amazing.  I had my doubts at first.  She's only 23 and I'm 53 but she never lost sight of the me that I couldn't see.  She even would talk with me on the weekends when she wasn't on duty if I was having a rough time of it.  She went with me when I had to put my cat to sleep.  She has been my rock.  My only support person in this strange and unfamilar town in which I find myself.  Will I saw her today only to have her tell me that she has taken another job at another agency and that next week is her last week.  I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.  The really odd thing is that I've been telling her that she needed to go back to school to get her Master's, etc. and now that she's leaving I feel like I'm dying inside.  I know that they will find "someone" new for me, but I've had so much change and loss in the last year alone how will I trust some new again.  I'll be thinking the whole time, "when will this one leave me".  I feel so cheated by God.  The bastard lets me find a little bit of a support systems and I start to get a little better and then he yanks that rug out from under me.   I took a part time job in hopes of meeting new people and making friends...that hasn't worked out but without my case manager I couldn't have even been able to get a job.  I jsut hate the fact that once again I'm fucking alone.  Alone.  alone again.  What have I done that is so very bad that I have to be punished all the time.  I meet someone, learn to trust them and then they are taken away from me.  My ex is now telling me how he's going out to the bars in West VA, (the titty bars) as he calls them.  When I told him about my CM leaving he said I was just jealous of her success.  What a moron..but yet I still love him.  I will spend the rest of my life alone I just know it.  How can I ever trust anyone ever again.  They just leave me.  They'll die like my parents, break up with me like my boyfriend or get a better job and leave me.  I know that this is all self pity....woe is me....poor Susan.  but damn....I now have no support system...none....what do I do?  Why bother with life at all if every time I get close to someone they leave me.....I'm toxic to people and therefore should die and not poison the environment any more.  This might just be the push that I've been needing to make the final plan come true.  When God hates you what else can you do?  What else.  Thanks for listening to my tale of woe....anyone else every lose there case manager and have to start all over again?  Please let me know......I just want to lay down and die.  My boyfriend (ex) will soon have a new girlfriend...I know how he operates, but it's easier for men to get someone new than it is for women I believe....and I'm alone....so alone .....alone is a very cold place and very, very sad.  Please help me.