psyche's Journal

I went to see my cat at the vet's today.  My Cm went with me.  I wanted to see him before the decision has to be made to "put him down".  Isn't it interesting that we are allowed to grant our pets peace of death when they suffer, but we deny that same comfort to humans.  How does that make sense?  I owe over $8,602.40.  That's not even monthly bills.  Those are past taxes, etc thanks to the ex who just bought his own house.  I stay in limbo waiting for disability and afraid to go to my family bank to ask for a loan even though I have a home and land.  I have not felt the love or comfort of God/or whoever there is out there in so long and yet the loses continue to flow.  I don't dare say that I know how Job felt, but damn.  I long ago lost any hope that my life would be a happy one, but I would settle for just a normal not so many diasters at once.  I just talked to my parents banker and as she said despite owning land and a trailer I have no income and thus will not qualify for a loan unless I can get someone to co=sign.  Everyone is dead and I would never ask my step sister for such a thing.  Where do I go God.? What do I do God?  Have faith? Believe in a purpose for my life? is my purpose only to suffer? then ask for release....NO......oh I heard you then.....are you waiting for me to try with the gun that sits on my beside table each day/night.  Now that taking a drug overdose didn't work, should I try the gun.  Funny, I'm actually scared of trying the gun.  What if I fail at that too and make myself a quad....tripped forever in my own body and  mind with no possible escape.  What do I do, God?  God, this is Susan.  I'm sorry that I offended you.  God, this is Susan.  I need you?  Will you help me, God?  or will the answer always be the same?