psyche's Journal

I spent hours last night talking to a good/great friend and we both n the same place. Tears flowing and anger too.  I actually sent a message to my ex last night telling him how much I hate him.  It was a rough day and so I planed to mow the grass and no worries except I got the mower stuck and will have to pay $50 bucks to get it out. I came in and mailed him about how hard things were and what a bastard he was to leave me.....and so on....it wasn't a great conversation. And as ususal I ended up taking the blame for all our problems and told him that I would give him money to come back to me. So now I'm a whore. I can't stop the deep heaving sobs everyday now....I have the suicide plans that change everyday. I have this kitten that's so sweet but no it's a fucking drag but because I can't sleep all the time. I have responsiblies.  I came the closets last night. Wrapped in a sleeping bag on the front lawn in the rain firing the 9mm in the rain.  Glad it was cold.  I can't live witht he unknows....if I knew that someone would come along that's one think, but no guartnees....I can't stop crying. Maybe tonight the sleeping bag and the second gun in the dark....trying to find which has the easiest tigger...crying, crying and more crying. My ex doesn't miss me at all. Not a little tiny bit. So he said. that part of his place is over and thime to get on wiht life.  Why does it seem easier for men.....in my lifetime and age I was taught that we have to wait for the men to approach us and ask.....jeez I'd hate to poke out some guys eyes before I introduce myself......but I know know that I'll never be with anyone . So death is on....if anyone knows of the assistend suicide programs in holland or Switzerland please send me the information I would greatly appreaciate it. 

Night, mother....i miss you