psyche's Journal

There was a new member of the family today.  Somehow or another I was talked into taking in a 6 week old kitten. He's a male, orange and white, he'll be a long hair when he grows and his eyes are still blue.  The other 4 cats are pissed off and not having a thing to do with him, but my dog Max loves him. At first he was very, very jealous but now he is very protective and follows him everywhere keeping an eye on him.  He loves to hide under my long hair on my neck, but since he still has "stinky butt" it's not as fun as it seems.  I have earthly idea why I said yes to this cat. Hell, I'm crying my eyes out while I write this. I quess it's because the last kitten was a present from my ex and my heart still aches so much for him. After a year and half and knowing how terrible a person he can be why the hell can't I get over this man. I still love him so much. My whole heart is dead except for the animals.  My step sister let me know that my brother just got back from Rome where he when for a booty call with his girlfriend, this will be his 3rd wife. Hell, I can't even say hello to anyone anymore.  I am trapped in this tin can of a home and I don't bath, wash my hair and now I don't eat.  I got dizzy when I was out today, so more vitamins I quess.  Stupid for someone who wants to die to get a fucking kitten.  I can't even think of a name for it.  I am so lonely and my brother opens his mouth and he has to beat women off himself.  I don't understand. I really don't. I mean I've seen some reall ugly people hook up....what's my problem? Are all the ugly folks taken already?  I know that I'm losing my mind...lost alot already from this disease. I can see it. but to lose your brain power and everything else is so unfair. I lost my ex to this damn disease. That's way he won't ever come back.  As "long as your bipolar I'm not coming back".....thanks honey, but you take bipolar money.  Won't someone please kill me.  I just can't live alone. It's not in me. I'm so very alone, even with a very cute kitten.

Thanks to all of you that keep sending hugs and messages. I wish I could return the messages and hugs but I just cry so hard these days that I can't stand to stay on the computer very long. I can't believe that a bitch like me still has such good people surrounding me.  I just wish that for one day I could have all of you here for a picnic and hug you all like you would disappear and then I could live on that for so long. I miss the human touch.  My the universe bless each and every one of you.  Susan