Will this ever get any easier? …
Will this ever get any easier? Honestly, this seriously sucks! I hate being alone, I hate how quiet it is around here …
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Once again I find myself writing to myself. Alone. Oh so alone. I can't stand this isolation. I seem fine until I start to write and then the tears begin and my heart breaks into millions of pieces that had slowly reformed throughout the day. There is no escaping the fact that except for the animals that I am alone and dying. I wish so very much that I could take some young mother's place. You know someone who has cancer but also has a family but is dying. She has people who need her and love her and a reason to live. I have none. I am a freak. I can't stand this much longer. I walk laps around this house. Room to room. Looking out of windows at the world outside where I don't belong and yet when I do go out everyone see's this funny old lady that would do anything for them. I'm funny alright, but it's crazy funny. Please won't someone, anyone save me??? God has deserved me. The Bible is in the front yard in the rain. Good riddance...he don't want me. fine....makes sense. No one wants me. I'm finding that it's taking me longer to type than it did before. It might be the blood. Yes, I've started self cutting again because it let's me know that there is still life in me. I'm used to go to the pain doctor tomorrow. She won't see the cuts she just wants me to pee in the cup. And then on Tuesday I see the shrink and she won't care, see's that shit all the time. I want to be loved whick means I want to live, but there is no reason to live without love. I can't stop crying. I sob and sob. Funny that you have so much water in the body. Maybe water should come out instead of blood. Why is it that some people like my brother can get women by the score and I can't even get a second glance. I go out in makeup and clean and stuff....my brother is getting married for the 3rd time. No wonder no one wants me.....he's getting all the people. I was married once and then not one date for 6 years. Not one and meet my ex and now he's gone like the wind. If I have to wait 6 years or 12 I'll be in my 60's and no man wants a woman who has to throw her tits over her shoulder in the am. I'm doomed so I think that the best thing would be for assisted suicide and no one will help me. Why does this society force me to suffer? Why? I am so sad. I couldn't even have sex if I wore a sign......ugly old people are the food source for the future.......please, kill me. Don't make me keep suffering. Why do we put animals out of there pain when they're "status of life is effected, but humans have to wait for nature to take it's course?" I have a right not to suffer. Everyone is getting someone to love but me. Why you goddamn motherfucking sonofabitch god.....I hate you just as much as you hate me and I hate being your little fly that you pluck the wings off everyday and everynight they grow back. You fucking bastard. I hate you, I hate me, I hate life.
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(((((((hugs))))))) I have no words, I only wish I could make you feel better
BooBooKitty
I had no dates for six years before I met my former wife. We enjoyed limited physical and emotional intimacy during a turbulent, 3.5 year marriage. Then I lost my job, she got a boyfriend, divorced me, and took half of what was technically mine. Ironically, the loneliest I've felt in the last decade was DURING my marriage! I've had erratic, part-time employment since then. I have no health insurance. I've had seven first-dates in 15 months but none of them have the potential to lead to physical and emotional intimacy. I consider my appearance to be homely on a good day. For 86% the last 14 years I've been without significant intimate contact with the opposite sex.
Following your life's blueprint, I should be dead. So why I am still alive?
Netminder
Netminder, my life's blueprint is certainly different from your's and everyone else...women age, men get well the word means better...I don't know why your alive except that you want to be alive. I can't handle it anymore....I just don't have the well or strength anymore. My only suggestion is that you do come across as confrontaional...you almost present yourself as "here I am bitch, now prove me wrong!!!!" remember we clashed from the first time we talked...I wish you the best in the future....much good well...
psyche
Not confrontational at all! Just presenting to you a life (mine) that has many similarities, especially in terms of loneliness, to yours. Trying to convey the idea that if someone else (me) has dealt with many similar challenges, then perhaps we can both work to overcome them and continue our life paths toward a positive existence. I'm working hard to try to convince you that a premature death isn't the only alternative; not to anger you or upset you further.
Netminder