psyche's Journal

I had two women from the local SPCA come by today to pick up stuck for the local "yard sale".  I thought that I was going to beg them not to leave, but while they were very nice they were all business and had many stops to make. I can't believe the level my desperation is reaching.  I'm turning into a sad joke of a human being. I sleep until I can't sleep anymore, I get up and take more meds and go back to bed and so on. I long for a human touch. Who am I kidding I long for Scott's touch and the thought of him is starting to comsume me. I want to die. I want relief. I want to go to my mother's side.  The dream's I have now are nightmare's of not being able to which someone when they need me. I can't stand the day to day things anymore. I'm dead instead, it's just getting the exterior to stop.  I must stop these thoughts one way or another. I cry and cry. I scream and only scare the animals. Dear God, why doesn't anyone want me? I'm I ugly; am i stupid...what did I do wrong? tell me please, so I can make it right? please daddy, what did I do wrong? I'm sorry? I can do better....I know I can.....please let me show you.....I can open more....no, daddy...I can open my mouth bigger...is that what I did wrong....see God I can do better.....I'm sorry that you're mad at me....I can do anything you want....just don't hate me....daddy, I can't hear you......I can't see you....yes, it hurt, but it's ok.....like God you love me....but daddy God doesn't love me anymore....but daddy no one love's me anymore....daddy, God said I was a bad girl.....and that I'll always be alone.  I'm sorry God, but I don't like daddy anymore....is that what this is about? do I have to love daddy and let him do what he likes?......but it hurts and it's gross.....ok, God, if you'll love me again I'll let anyone do what they want....please just love me again God. I'm so, so lonely god....mommey said that there where angels....could I have an angel God...just someone to love me and guard me.  No. that's ok, God. I understand. Bad girls don't deserve angels. You're right daddy.....you're right daddy.

Goodnight,Mother.