richarddw's Journal

Despite the e-motive icon show me horribel (can't change it), I am in a good mood now.

Yea!... I think... 

I have learnt that a couple of indicators of going into a deep depression and suicide mode, is bad fatigue and loosing interest in doing what I like to do.  This past Monday, I over exhausted myself physically and emotionally.  Yesterday, I slept on and off all day and all night.  I awoke this morning in a terrible state of mind.  I could barely push myself to go for hydration infusion, which I need for hydration badly.  I napped as much as I could at infusion.  I went to see my therapist afterwards.  I so wanted to go home and sleep.  But, my therapist is such a draw on me, it was a easier to go see her.  It worked out fine.  I need to stay awake, do something to stay awake as with going for a walk or something.  I really enjoy my coffee the way I make it now.  I had been awakening, without the wanting to make coffee even.  I slept when I got home this afternoon,  I awoke and I actually pushed myself to roast the green coffee bean, grind, and make the coffee.  So, I might be working through this symptom of deep depression without it worsening.  I so do hope.  I do not want to be hospitalized and do the day program again.  I think it was "Teddy Roosevelt who said, "If you going through hell, keep going."  Life is so dang weird.

I wish I had trained my two cats to go for walks with me when they were kittens.  I did trained them to go outside and not runaway out of visual sight.  It would be neat to go for a walk with them along side of me.  They are my buddies ya know.  I know that I need to learn to share my life with a couple of human friends also.

RICHARD

It has been a long time since I have written in my journal.   Since my "Suicide Sunday" and the following two weeks of day hospital,  I kinda got my needs for sharing and receiving support from the general populace of ds.  Today was a very good day.  I went for my hydration IV infusion first thing this a.m.  After I got home from there, I pushed myself to load up my bike on the car bike rack, prep to go, and drove out to one of my beautiful large lake parks.  I was kinda out of shape so I only pedaled my nifty hybrid trail bike 12-1/2 hilly miles and walked another 3 miles.  It was very windy though.  The winds were probably 30 mph / 48.28 km/h winds with gust over 40 mph / 64.37/h.  The winds slowed me down but did not near slow me down to a crawl.  My old legs are strong still… about 11 years ago, I was leg pressing 420 lbs / 156.76 kg on a leg sled rack a few sets of 3 reps. ---

So big time appreciating all of you,
RICHARD

P.S. I can't change my smiley-face to good mood.  Doug blames it on the browser because it can't be doug.

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"Hey Gem, from what I know about therapy, therapists, etc… the therapists that tell a client what to do are the un-therapists that hooked their un-clients or pigeons.  My awesome women person therapists would not do that because of who they are and with me they knew better that to keep me forever… they valued their sanity.

Fairhope… all is all.  One race… one human race… it is your prejudice that sees races.  Think of all the peace that it will take to fill the void when you give up "Them over there…"

Cherry… "God, please fix my toys.  God please fix my toys… God please, please… God!  God answers finally alright I'll fix your toys.  Give me your toys Cherry.  Cherry gives God her toys.  God gets busy fixing Cherry's toys… there's  Cherry, standing over God's shoulder… no God, that goes that way, well, God if you do it this way… okay God that's close.. okay God that's… No, no God…

Zeus… I hope you are getting to know that addiction is always a pathway to enlightenment… "always"… kinda takes the fun out of being numb… err… if being numb is being numb.. how is there fun getting / staying numb doing drugs like alcohol, solid alcohols like pills etc.  I have a new pain killer… I could most start up my slow suicide again with this one (Fentanyl patches) … legal drug pushers… dang!  Only, I won't do a slow suicide, now that I know that is what I was doing… I'm too old and too tired to do a slow suicide.  God will be waiting with arms open no matter how I go.

Me… What I know now after all this learning and growing, having 161 life miles on this being of 61 years… is that what I do know is right near nothing to what there is to know.  I have been giving up lying of late.  Only, I am alone most of the time… that makes it way most hard to do—giving up lying.  The most efficient hold taking lying done… was / is to myself.  Used to be that the very only time I took to telling the truth is when it was convenient and only then.  Life has been so most inconvenient… near 24 / 7 lying… got good at it… surviving.  Real living is mostly telling the truth… ugh!

For the last month or so… non-worded thought deliberating what worth is life to me.  My neighbors of my new home in this small condominium complex cannot believe the working, respecting relationship I have with my buddies, Pain & Pest (Cats).  When we are outside together and something or people scare Pain & Pest they either run in the door that is ajar for them or run up right behind me to protect them.  I would give my life protecting them also.  Most people do not know where to look for God… it is in the action… filling up the air between beings with kindness is God in action.

I wish I had known what the rules were… I wish I knew what the rules are… when I was a kid, I only would first know a rule when I got slapped along side of the head… couldn't they have told me ahead of time.  Well, this is kinda ambiguous at best.  I so got even breaking the rules.

There really is no cure… talk about holy grails… jeez.   When the non-physical pure Love and the physical pure Love evolve into the same sphere… that will be the cure not before… that I do <strike>know</strike> feel!  For faith is not an intellectual thing; it is a feeling.

It doesn't do any good for me just to see the above, so nonsense it just might be.

God is Love & that's All there Is.

I guess I need to out live Pain & Pest… else no one will understand their being.  And my Sons... parenting... I guess it doesn't end when they learn to tie their own shoes.  It outta, but it don't, I guess.

RICHARD"
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Thanks for reading.  Oh, I cannot take off my present custom and move on.   I have not learnt all that I am going to learn knowing all of you: :-)

RICHARD