misterjones's Journal

I wish I could tell you that I have made it. Today would have been day 9 if I had been strong but instead I'm starting over again.

Going out to put flowers on my mom's grave just hit me too hard. My Mom was amazing as I know many of you feel the same about your moms. It killed me inside when she got sick and those 5 years she battled PSP (progressive supranuclear palsy) were hell. I had already been a drunk before but nothing like I became after she got sick. When she died it was actually very sudden, even though it had been inevitable for a long time. On Tuesday, the one year annivbersary, all of those feelings I had of hurt and anger and sadness and despair, they all came back to me. I want to be better for her and for me and for all of my loved ones. I know she can see me and she wants me to be better too. I even wrote her a letter telling her I was going to make her proud. Here I am two days later still drinking. This disease sucks. I don't know how much longer I can take this. It's all just too much to bear. I'm just a coward afraid to face my fears.