GinaB's Journal

This is my first journal entry.  I keep a personal journal, so never thought of using this one.  But maybe someone could share some good thoughts with me if they could read my feelings on paper. 

Today is the 2nd anniversary of the start of my husband's affair.  It has been over for 18 months now since it ended.  Lasted five months.  Unfortunately, my husband made a note on his daytimer about the anniversary date so he could celebrate it the next year.  When I found that out, I was just crushed.  I could not imagine he would want to celebrate adultery.  I still can't. 

We talked last night about it because he knew I was bothered about something.  He can always tell, seems like, by just looking in my eyes.  I told him this time of year bothers me, and had to end up telling him exactly why because he didn't remember.  We talked again a little about that first time.  He and the OW and another guy employee of my husband's were drinking and the guy left and he ended up with the OW.  He told me it was never planned, it wasn't about me, it just his mistake.  The OW, when I talked to her months after it was revealed, said the next day he told her that could never happen again because he was a happily married man.  That leads me to believe he's telling me the truth about the intention.   And then it went on from there.  She told him she didn't think he was happy, she could make him happy, he wouldn't have done what he did if he was happy with me, etc, etc.  No regard for his wife, children, family.  I still have no understanding of how a woman can do that to another woman.  It just baffles me.  I can imagine myself in a situation getting involved with another man.  I really can.  Just being honest.  But NOT if he was married.  Never.  I have more feelings for female human beings than that because I am one.  It is just beyond me.

Anyway, he did make me feel better last night.  He almost always does these days.  I told him that I had triggers and asked him if he ever thought about it.  (I'm actually glad I have triggers because it means it's not on my mind 100 percnet of the time.  Always something to be thankful for.)  He said he did, but what triggered it for him was when he would see me laugh or smile, and he would wonder how he could have hurt me so bad.  Or when he saw me looking so pretty and he wondered how he could have done what he did.  I told him that all betrayed women feel like, on some level, they failed, were not good enough, not pretty enough, sexy enough, etc.  He assured me that it had nothing to do with me.  He said he had realized that if he had treated me the way I deserved to be treated all these years that I would have responded and things would have been as good as they are now.  I told him I was thinking yesterday about the scripture that says you reep what you sow, and I was wondering what in the world I had sown to deserve this.  He was very sweet and loving and said bad things happen to good people.  I need to concentrate on how good he treats me now. 

I just need to get through this day and try to keep my mind off of what started two years ago today.  I need to count my blessings and trust God to continue to restore us.