Spitfire37's Journal

You know I think this is awsome, I get to vent & pour my heart out without live interuptions by well meaning people. Who think I should be over it by now. You know what I may never get over it. I know the stages of the grief process, they come and go and make return vists in random order. I love them and thats all that should matter.There are those who think that because the mairrage was over that shouldn't hurt, well it hurts like hell. It's really odd mixed up story. I left my first husband for his cousin. We all met for the first time at the family reuion, and if thats not you might be a redneck story I don't know what is. It was like being struck by lightning, I was solid gone the first time I saw him. It seems you don't get to tell your heart who to love, it just does. Needless to say it didn't work out do to isues with the family and a lot of, how could you. I married someone else, mostly cause he was there I couldn't have what/who I wanted so it really didn't matter to me He the(2ndX)seemed decent enough apeared to have the right credentials. I didn't see the red flags should have but didn't. Found out he was beating my boys, so I left. Moved in with the (1stX) to get away from him. The(1stX) was working for his cousin. I was seeing other people. Flirting like mad with the cousin. Its easy when you've known somebody for almost ten years and I had worked hard at becomeing the the woman he had allways pushed me to be (a better me). So the cousin and I started talking agian, a couple of what went wrong, I still love you, do you think we could work it out conversations. I had a hang up with the wife, you know. I wasn't going to be the other woman, I wanted to be the only woman. he asked me to wait for him to get divorced.(8 days before the acciedent) I said no(wanted to say yes but didn't)he had hurt me allready and the guy I was seeing (still seeing) wanted to be exclusive and I chose him, didn't want to play that game. The boyfreind and I met him out at ranch (five days before the acciedent) to look at some horses, It was the last time I saw him, last time I hugged him. I miss my freind. The boy freind and the cousin were to have a boys only weekend at the ranch the following weekend after he got off hitch, wonder what they were going to talk about? Had dinner with the Boys and there Dad the night before, I was to tired to cook so he did. I wouldn't be who I am without them, but I miss them. Loved them both, Lost them both. Oh the tangled web we weave!