UniqueDestiny's Journal

My appt with my doc is 12 hours away.  I can hardly wait.

As some of you know, my new mission is to write about pain for those who have never experienced chronic pain of any kind.  I am asking for any suggestions or ideas that you may have to help me in this mission.  I know about chronic pain from autoimmune conditions, and from liver and pancreatic pain.  I don't know about back pain, or pain associated with high blood pressure, hypertension, diabetes, and things of that nature.

I am copying a post I put on the chronic pain site, and I hope this will give you an idea of my writing skills.  If you have any info that can help me, please let me know.  I would like to include as many things as I can in my writing.  This next piece is entitled, "A day in the life . . ."

I opened my eyes and admitted to myself that I've been awake for quite a while, and the pain that I felt in my nightmares was real and I was now feeling it more intensely. I struggled to get my brain to tell my arm to reach over to get my morning pain meds - I hurt so badly that my brain was fighting me, so that I wouldn't feel more pain.

I finally I won. My arm moved to reach for the night stand, but something was terribly wrong. My arm felt heavy - like it was made of lead; I tried to turn my body to help my arm. My body refused to move. WTF ?!?! I manage to make my body move, but it's so heavy . . . and all of my skin feels like ill-fitting coveralls. It doesn't feel like it belongs on me my body at all, and I fall back onto the pillows.

Today I can't even put on my act for the kids. Raising my head takes all the energy that I have, but I have to go to the bathroom. I drag myself out of bed and lean on the bed, the footboard, the dresser, and then the wall to get there. I go back to bed, totally exhausted. My mom brought me something to eat. She has been so good to me. I don't know how I will ever repay her, although she thinks I'm sick because I had so much responsibility at a very young age.

I think she feels guilty for my illness. I have to find a way to relieve her of that guilt. There is no way to know why I have all this. I know that some of it is hereditary, and I am the lucky one in the family to get illnesses from both sides of the family. At least my siblings are healthy. But, my mom does everything she can because she thinks it's her fault.

When I was growing up, my mom and dad worked the night shift and because I showed that I could handle responsibility, I was the one who was left in charge. When I was 13, my mom had my youngest brother. He was 4 1/2 pounds - full term. He was in hospital for a week, and then he was released. My mom went back to work, and she left me in charge of my of my siblings, including my older sister, and an 11 year-old, a 9 year-old, a 6 year-old, a 2 year-old, and the baby.

Everyone was afraid to touch the baby, except for me. Two years later, she had my youngest sister, and I continued to be in charge after school. I seriously doubt that this is the reason for my illnesses, but my mom feels the guilt. She won't tell me that she feels the guilt, but she says reason that I'm sick is because I was given too much responsibility at a very young age, and as a mom, I can see that she feels guilty.

Anyway -- back to the story. I cannot move. I am too heavy. My skin feels like a foreign object. My fingertips feel like I've been in water for a long time. My whole body hurts (joints, muscles, tendons, veins), and after I ate, the abdominal pain starts. I used to have it only on my right side, but now have it in my right rib cage and through to my back, and on my left side through to my back.

My head feels like it's going to explode. I hope the meds start working soon. Something has changed. I think a nerve in my abdomen has been affecting my legs, but today I feel the blood flowing through my legs and to my feet. My feet are HOT! The lower 6-8 inches of my legs and my feet are hot, and they hurt. I think the pain is from the arthritis. I also have the joint pain in my whole body. My hands hurt pretty badly too. Every joint in my body hurts. It's a good thing I'm too heavy to move. I have to concentrate on breathing. My chest feels really heavy. Breathing is a chore.

My eyes are so dry that I can't focus on the TV. I have to find my eye drops, but that means moving again. Maybe I'll do it the next time I have to go to the bathroom. I can just listen to the TV for now. I fell asleep for a while and woke up with more pain. Maybe I shouldn't sleep anymore. I'm tired of having the nightmares of being in severe pain, then waking up feeling the pain. I can't seem to be able to escape it. Just five more days to my doc appt, I can hardly wait.

I got up to try to go downstairs. Not a chance! I couldn't even make it to the door of my room, so back to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be different. I hope. I pray. I cry, and the tears just flow, silently. At least the kids won't hear me crying, that's a plus, and so there is something to be thankful for . . .

I wish you all a good, restfull night, and a better tomorrow.