IDidThisToMyself's Journal

why is this happening.

why did this happen.

i want to hold him again, just one more time, id do anything in this world. please just make this stop. i want to wake up and have this not be real. how can this be real. how can my baby be gone. why did he deserve this...what did i do to deserve this, any of this...what if it wasnt in gods plan to take him, what if it was something i did. what if i wasnt resting enough like i should of been. i wish i could go back and change so many things.

i dont even know if he was in pain before he passed. what if he was in pain, and i couldnt do anything to help him. i would do anything for him not to be in pain and i dont even know if he was.

it was a mistake to take him, it had to be a mistake.

i dont want this to be real anymore. 

nothing seems important anymore.

i want to make joshua proud, but i dont have the strength to get up anymore.

ive lost 15 pounds already, and its still dropping rapidly. thats an extra 6 pounds i lost prior to being pregnant.

food is disgusting to me, i cant force myself to eat more than a granola bar.

my hands wont stop shaking, i cant stand without being dizzy.

it feels like im slowly dying inside. 

i just want to be with josh right now, no matter how selfish that sounds.

I don't know where to begin, I'm not even sure what I want to write..so I'm just going to go with whatever is on my mind right now. We had the funeral service today. Everything was SO amazingly beautiful, I couldn't have asked for anything better. My family and friends were there to support me, and I'm so grateful for them. We had a deacon read a lovely speech, and then I wrote a letter to Joshua read it, which took so much from me, but I'm so glad that I got to share that with Joshua. This is what I read:

My Joshua,

    Words can't express how much I miss you and how much I wish I could see you, touch you, hold you, or kiss you one more time. The moments that I got to spend with you will forever be cherished in my heart. When I first saw you I couldn't believe how beautiful you were. And when I first held you, I never wanted to let you go. But I know now that you are a beautiful precious angel looking down upon me and I know that one day I'll get to see you again and hold you in my arms. I love you so much and I know there won't be a single day I don't think of you. I wish you didn't have to go so soon, but there has to be a reason for it. You will forever be a part of me, you will forever be my first child, and you will forever be deeply missed. Things will always be changing in this world, but nothing will ever change the love I have for you. I love you Joshua, my baby angel, with all my heart and soul.

                    Love always and forever,

                          Mom

After I read my letter, we all had a moment of prayer while my mom and I went up to the casket. During that time the song "To Where You Are" by Josh Groban played over the speakers. It was so hard, I've never felt my heart ache so much. Everyone paid their final respects after that and we had the song "Calling All Angels" by Jane Siberry playing. My immediate family stayed behind to spend a few moments with Joshua. I couldn't hold it in anymore, I just had my hands on his casket in tears telling him how much I loved him and asking God to take care of him. 

At the cemetary the pall bearers, my best friend Josh, and my Uncle, took Joshua to his grave and the Deacon said some more wonderful words. Everyone got a blue or yellow carnation to put into the grave. There was a really nice lunch at a restaurant afterwards. But at the cemetary when everyone left besides close family, I did not want to leave Joshua. I wish that I could of stayed with him. Seeing the casket in that little grave made my heart sink. My mom helped me back to the car and I was such a wreck I could barely walk.

The lunch helped a lot because being able to also talk about other things made it easier to just stop and take a breath and be able to have conversations about Joshua, but also about other things.  

What also is nice is that in Joshua's casket is a little stuffed puppy dog and I bought the exact same one so we both have it. And he's also wearing half of a Mizpah coin and I have the other half. The coin says: "The Lord watch between me and thee while we are absent one from another".

It really hurt that Brad, the father did not show up. During last week, I thought it was only right to let him know about what happened, regardless of how he treated me. The only way I could get ahold of him was to go to his house, so I wrote a basic letter telling him what happened and the information about the services if he wanted to go. His mom ended up coming to the door and treated me like complete crap. I briefly told her what happened and that I wanted to leave the letter for Brad. And she pretty much talked down on me the whole time and was very rude to me. She told me that I was irresponsible and that she hoped me and Brad both learned our lessons. I was in complete shock and it hurt for her to say those things to me, but I had to keep myself together and handed her the note but broke down when I got back to the car. I was so so angry. Later that day Brad had called me. We talked for about an hour and he was saying how sorry he was and he wished that it didnt take something like this to realize how he treated me was wrong, and how he wished he could of held Joshua at least once. He sounded very sincere to me, he was even crying on the phone. He said he would for sure be there. After that he never answered my calls and never showed up. I called him after I got home today and he must of accidentaly picked it up without knowing he did, because I could hear him in his car driving and I heard him cough...but I know he didn't know I was on the phone. So I hung up and tried calling back, assuming he would answer because I knew he was there. Nope, nothing. I left him a short message and I honestly don't think I'll ever hear from him again.

I feel so disconnected from everything. I feel so empty. When I look down, I don't see my pregnant tummy anymore. I'll still catch myself sometimes rubbing my stomach like how I used to. I would give anything to have him back. But I do know, that even though he was only with us for 45 minutes, that he lived a perfect life in a sense. He never had to go through hard times, in God's eyes he is perfect. And I really believe that God is going to take good care of him until I get to be with him again. And I believe that he's my guardian angel now. Joshua has given me so much strength and made me a better person.

I just miss him so much.

I can't write anymore, my heart is so heavy and my tears won't stop.

Thank you to everyone on here who has supported me, it really helps me so much.