Journey2's Journal

I decided it was time to put another entry in here. Its been awhile. I've been having a hard time this last month or so, both physically and emotionally. The RA and fibromyalgia are flaring up but, I am trying to ride it out. I have made a decision to come off all meds related to those illnesses. I know that's not necessarily a smart move, but, one I felt I needed to make. The meds weaken my immune system too much. I know I'll need to go back on them at some point, but, I just needed a break for a change. I go see a new back doctor tomorrow to be evaluated for a different treatment that I haven't tried yet. He is also a pain management doctor, so, maybe he can help with some of the other things going on, too. We'll see.

I see my counselor tomorrow, too. Her and my psychiatrist decided to up my paxil and valium intake for awhile. I've been having more anxiety and panic attacks lately. More periods of depression. Not sure why. I know that the physical issues can bring it on. I also have had my husband force himself on me sexually twice now in the last 2 months. I just laid there. Again. Couldn't dare to tell him to stop for fear of his anger. Made me feel like I did when I was little and was being abused by my dad. Like I didn't have a choice but to accept what was happening to me. I hate myself for allowing him to make me feel this way. This is really throwing me for a loop since, in the last 3 or 4 years, he's only attempted three times to have sex with me. Why now?? Nothing has changed between us. I certainly don't feel any closer to him than I have for years. I know its coming down to having to make some serious decisions here soon. I need to be healthy to do this and sometimes, I just don't feel like I am making any progress. 

Anyway, I could go on and go into more details, but, that will just make me cry. I am tired of crying. Yet, tired of holding it all in, too. Thank goodness for the valium!! lol

Hope everyone is having a good day and I think of you all often!! {{{hugs to everyone!!}}}