Honkwomp's Journal

  I lamented at loss, not let me celebrate at what I have gained

I gained a woman who can accept my love freely, without letting her self esteem issues hold her back from it.  I am a very romantically aggressive lover.  I am overt, verbal and very intense with my love.  It is the only way I know how.  Yet L, my sweet, she just takes it all and gives it back.  I cannot explain how absolutely wonderful the freedom to love unrestricted is!  Finally, I can love as I want, and I do not have to worry about her drawing back, pushing away.   It was terrible at times, holding back this torrent of feelings I have for my loved one.  So hard to live with, the misery of not being able to express my love was.  And now, I have found one who loves being loved that way,  and I feel like I have been let out of a cage

I celebrate my new life.  It is better in every way I can measure.  I wish my kids and grandkids were close, but that is the only thing I would change in my life right now!

 I commented on Beckyw's journal, but I wanted this comment to be in my journal too.  But it is different from the comment there, so if you want some additional wordage, read on...

     You cannot be with someone for two or three decades and not have something die when they reject you. My ex blames me for almost all of the marriage dying, but I LET her do that with my holding onto a dream long after the dreamer had awakened. My dream, my life, it died a long time ago. And when my ex, in her misery and dissatisfaction, decide that one of us finally had to decide, she took years to finally ask out. And my life was forever changed.

Even now, even despite my wonderful new woman's love, there are occasional moments that I wish I could turn back time.   But I think it is because the pain of the whole thing left me scarred.  I should have been happy, should have basked in my freedom.  Been happy that I could finally find a new life away from that secretive for no reason, screwing married men, unable to pay bills, check bouncing woman who has all kinds of issues from childhood that she needs to deal with. I mean, look at me now, I have EVERYTHING better save I do not have her money.  That is it!  I got a better woman, a better house, a better job, a better place to live, a better dream, a better everything.  Yet still, I wish this had never happened.  I never want to have the kind of pain I had ever again.  

Why did we hold on to such people so tightly when it is OBVIOUS that we were fools for doing so. They rejected us, and instead of acting normally and saying "well piss on you, you suck too!" we ran about, always the faithful one, always hoping beyond hope for the dream to return. Trouble was, we were still sleeping while our ex woke up and left the room.

We hold onto them because, in my case, the fear of change ruled me, the fear that i might lose something and not get something better controlled me.  I want that feeling of comfortableness you can only have after 20 or 30 years.  I won't live that long to ever have it.  And I think that affected how I feel too. 

Yes, something dies. It dies because we face the unfaceable, and have to finally accept the unacceptable. We are REJECTED, with no mercy and no reprieve It dies because our dream dies. It dies because we no longer can hide from ourselves the truth. It dies because our hearts were not ready to let go. It dies because we only left room for one, and that one had no room for us.

Do i love who I am with? Surely as I breathe. But like you, I am forever wounded, forever damaged foever amputated from my dream. And while an amputation can heal, you can never have back the part of you that went away