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Jeannete's Journal

Flashbacks flashbacks flashbacks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mood

Monday, March 10, 2008

Can't seem to get flashbacks of bein raped out of my head. I'm off work again today and feel like hangin myself....I can see images of myself hanging with my legs dangling...no pulse....no nothin....

Maybe i sound mad but i really don't wanna be here anymore...Gotta think the best way to die???

errm what will actually work this time...tried overdoses but didnt work. maybe if i got a hotel room and took 150 paracetamol and vodka...maybe that would work...no1 would find me until t was too late...

feel so dirty and worthless ........................................

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Comments

hunnie I know how bad those flashbacks can be!! I understand the pain! and on top of everything else you are going through your emotions will be high!! but hun you are strong and you can see this through, think about your family and your boyfriend what would it do to them to live without you ??? xx

sandie1
thanx sandie youre much stronger than any1 i know

Jeannete
aw hun thankyou it been hard work, but I know you too will get to this point, trust me, the fact is you want to deal with it and thats a massive step forward as I buried it for years.. so well done to you xxxx stay strong lovely xx

sandie1
To feel this way is illogical and YOU of all people know it. Put that great brain of yours to use, YOU can catch this bloke, but only if YOU really want to. I invite YOU to think about what it was that attracted him to YOU that night. Replay it and replay it, it might even be a good idea YOU know, if YOU actually re-lived it!!!

YumYumChum
Jen, how well do YOU know your mum's boyfriend, the man who is taking care of your little sister?

YumYumChum
Jen, how strange was this stranger who did what he did to YOU? Did YOU spot him prior to his attack? Was he at the club YOU were at? Could YOU have noticed at any time that he was paying attention to YOU perhaps, a gut feeling even?

These are but a few questions YOU are entitled to ask yourself before YOU go out and successfully catch this low life. It might be a good idea to also ask yourself what it was that attracted him to YOU that night. I can certainly think of a couple of things that made YOU a vulnerable target. It would have been obvious to him that YOU were still only a girl as opposed to a more mature late aged teen, along with the fact that YOU was little in stature, someone easily overpowered then? Mind YOU the most notable feature of all was that this brute knew your personal boundary was weak, YOU would not have been out nightclubbing at 15 if it was rock solid as it should have been.

So all in all YOU was a little girl without a protective personal boundary, it sure sounds to me like he did his homework, it sure sounds to me also that he would not necessarily have done that at this particular meeting. So I again invite YOU to explore your memory bank, and see if YOU can not see this person in a different place in time.

It could well be that that different place in time has been since his attack on YOU. Give it some thought, it sure beats beating up on yourself all of the time, YOU are in fact way to smart to continue down this path of ultimate distruction, and YOU know it.

YumYumChum
i was bout clubbing at 15....my own fuckin fault....

Jeannete
No, not at all. It's your missing PARENTS fault. To be out clubbing at 15 means YOU was ignored to the extent whereby YOU could disappear. This is CHILD ABUSE, nothing more than, nothing less than. What was mum up to that night, and dad for that matter.

I bet they were out doing their own things, what then could YOU get up to? YOU was afterall a GROWN UP 15 year old wasn't YOU? And what do ALL 15 year old girls do, NO they don't go out night clubbing, not unless of course their parents don't give a shit about them. YOU see YOU are way off the mark when YOU lay the blame at your feet, YOU are again guilty of accepting the crime of another/s.

This would never of happened to YOU if YOU had been my daughter, of that I can guarantee YOU. What is obvious is that mum has lived an abusive life, and the worst condition to come from such abuse is SELFISHNESS, YOU now suffer from the same ailment don't YOU?

As well meaning as YOU try to be, YOU fail dismally when YOU defend your mother's actions. There has to be some semblance of truth in what she is accused of doing to find herself now behind bars.

And who now is suffering CHILD ABUSE? Your little sister, she does not have her mother around to teach her how to be a future mum, and she has a man supposedly looking after her who is not relative to her. Believe me, as a caring 47 year old dad that SCARES the HELL out of ME. It should be SCARING YOU also in equal proportion. Take the focus away from yourself for a while, turn it to a needy person, your little sister that is.

YumYumChum