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  From chimmer July 14, 2007

  Hello!! I hope you are having a spectacular Saturday!! The Facts of Life: THE FACTS OF LIFE The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Dave's Law: You can't fall off the floor. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm. It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull. Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining. He's as country as cornflakes. This is gooder'n grits. Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. Insanity is my only means of relaxation. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart. There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything. You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

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  From chimmer July 12, 2007

  All About Me!! I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm. I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going. I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid... I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying. I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over. I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care. I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians... I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet. I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg. I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh... I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies. I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less. I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory. I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.

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  From chimmer July 8, 2007

  Super Sunday wishes!! I couldn`t ask for better friends! One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache." The man replied, "Is that your final answer?" She said "Yes." "OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied

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  From chimmer July 6, 2007

  Here are flowers & your Friday funny.Hope you like it & have the best weekend!!A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck! When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied, 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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  From chimmer July 1, 2007

  Happy Sunday!! I`m so blessed to have you for a friend! THANK YOU FOR OUR FRIENDSHIP Thank you for our friendship For it means so much to me, Your kindness and understanding And loving ways you share so free. Thank you for being beside me When I needed someone that cared, And thank you for all your loyalty For the times together we shared. Thank you for our friendship For it's something even money can't buy, Thank you for holding me tightly When there was a need I had to cry. Thank you for always smiling When I couldn't smile at all, And thank you for boosting my ego For the times I felt so small. Your friendship I cherish so deeply So this message to you I send, May God bless and always watch over you And may you always remain my friend.

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