fraternal's Journal

You know, it's been such a long time since I've posted something.  I have to write becaue I really hav noting positive to say and I really do want to contribute.  You are all such wonderful and kind  people and I want to take part in this in in a positive way - really I do.

I keep trying to move up and move forward but each day is a struggle and I just can't seem to get a grip on things.  I hope and beleive that something positive will come but I can't see the light no matter how hard I look... gloom is always at the door.  

My PD doctor and I had  a little set back that I'd rather not go in to but it really has set me back more than I'd lkie tike to admit.  I've learned to find he is a kind and considerate man and have finally learned where my problems were with getting close to him was HE WASN'T BOB!  I had to let go of that and resolve that my new doctor is much more direct and I must admit much more safe than fun!  But a recent incident has left me shattered! and has set me back even before the time I first met him. 

I feel empty and alone.  I can't talk to my husband, my pastor I have never been able to talk to my family and now not even my PD.  I find myself hearing Bob talking to me again but not in the way he did as my doctor - more like my friend - I can't eat or sleep and if I don't keep so busy  dropping dead without sleep, I can't sleep at all.   If I finally sleep, I wake up screaming.  It's terrible.  I hope I don't have to go back to the hospital again.

I'm sorry all my friend.  I guess I just needed to vent.  I'm frightened and don't have anyone to talk to.  Jenny