ForMomsOnly's Journal

For all the new moms, the link to our MySpace page is: http://www.myspace.com/formomsonly

If you have a memorial page for your child, please post it under your interests so we may all visit and light a candle. 

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"All significant loss results in grief. If you've lost a grandparent, a pet, a job, or had to move, you have experienced loss and grief and the associated streess.

For 'normal' stress, your mind automatically responds to whatever pattern you use to deal with stress. However, when a person experiences extraordinary stress, the normal coping mechanisms are not enough. As a result, when a person experiences a loss beyond the normal stresses and conflicts of life, they subconsciously begin to cycle through various methods of coping trying to find one that works better.

This happens to everyone who experiences extraordinary stress. The not necessarily rational logic used by your subconscious is: 'I have to try something new, after all, if the normal method worked, the stress would be gone.'

Half of dealing with grief is recognizing this cycling process (which occurs over and over again) and working through the disruption and pain that accompanies it. The other half consists of enduring pain. While it is extreme, deep and forceful, and while it never completely heals, you can learn to cope with the pain that grief provides."

This second section is called INCAPACITY.

The author lists examples of the typical period of incapacity following severe loss with death of a child typically being 1 to 3 years. He states that people who have lost a child are not capable of gauging the depth of their incapacity due to loss of mental function. "Many people report that immediately following their loss, they lost the ability to stand, talk and think at the same time." He says that they were unaware of this at the time. In addition to this mental dysfunction, financial demands are often increased. The demands on your ability are INCREASED as your ability is DECREASED. Is it any wonder that we have difficulty coping?

Again, I'm offering this as an explanation for WHY we are all feeling as lost and confused as we are, not as a solution to any of our pain.

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This will get everyone caught up to what we, as a group, are doing. 

WINTER FARMHOUSE STORY:  This week, I will begin to put together all the pieces of our story that have been completed.  If you want to include your son or daughter in this holiday story, this is your last chance to send me notes on what you think they would be doing.   

IDEAS/SUGGESTIONS/POETRY:  When I began this page, it was with the intention that everyone could contribute.   While I may not use your poem the day or even the month you send it, it is saved for future use.  So too the ideas and suggestions I receive.  Please send in anything you think might be useful for the other moms:  links to websites, song lyrics, poems, books - whatever.  I can't possibly do all of this by myself, ladies!

GARDENS:  Wonderful things are being planted in tribute to our kids.  There are niches in backyards, trees and gardens at schools and parks,  gardens at cemeteries, roads adopted and planted with perennials - all varieties of memorials to our angels.  If you have pictures to share, please put them on your page so we can see.  

CANDLES:  On the second Sunday of each month, we light a candle at noon in honor of our children and to celebrate women who have lost their children.  Put a picture of your child with your candle, fresh flowers or whatever makes you smile.  Use this day to pray and focus on being positive - it's a time to renew and feel the loving energy of the group giving you strength.

GREEN SMILEY DAY:  Mondays put on your green smiley face and share something happy, positive or funny.  CandiceS has suggested also setting a goal for the upcoming week - a fantastic idea!  Please let us know how you do.

AND......  Put a message in a balloon, write a letter to your angel, wear a shirt or ring or scarf of theirs, make a quilt from some of their old clothes, stuff one of their tee's and make a huggable pillow, sing their favorite songs to them, or make a shadowbox with some of their small treasures.  In other words, we have to celebrate the beauty of the life we shared.   (These ideas were contributed by ReaSA, AnnM, CarasMom, jrjm3050, shirley, mdjmom and sjr26.) 

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From Bereaved Parents of the USA:

The death of our children at any age from any circumstance is indeed one of the cruelest blows that life has to offer. The journey through this grief is a very long, dark, difficult and painful one for bereaved parents.

In the early minutes, days, weeks, months and even years of grief, we find ourselves in an all consuming grief and pain beyond description. We find it difficult to carry on our everyday lives or to think of little except our children’s death. Even our once wonderfully happy memories, shared with our children while they lived, now bring us pain for a time.

Bereaved parents do not “get over” the death of our children nor “snap out of it” as the outside world seems to think we can and should. The death of our children is not an illness or a disease from which we recover. It is a life altering change with which we must learn to live.

With the death of our children we are forced to do the “impossible”: build a new life and discover a “new normal” for ourselves and our families in a world that no longer includes our beloved children.

It is important for newly bereaved parents to know that they will experience a wide and often frightening variety of intense feelings after the death of our children.

It is also important for newly bereaved parents to understand and know that all of the feelings that you experience are very natural and normal under the circumstances.
Equally important for you to know and believe is that as much as you cannot possibly believe it, you will not always feel this powerful and all consuming grief.

But right now you must follow the instincts of your soul and allow your bodies and hearts to grieve. The grief resulting from your child’s death can not be skirted over, around or under. You must go through it in order to come out on the other side.

Be gentle and patient with yourself and your family. Allow yourself to cry, to grieve, and to retell your children’s story as often as needed and for as long as you need to.

Eventually, you will smile and find joy again. You will never forget your child; he or she will be with you in your heart and memories for as long as you live.

Some of the things you may experience or feel are:

Depression.
A profound longing and emptiness.
Wanting to die. This feeling usually passes in time; for eventually you will realize that you must go on for the sake of remaining family members, yourself and your child who died.
Profound sadness.
Crying all the time or at unexpected times.
Inability to concentrate on anything, frequently misplacing items.
Wondering “Why???”
Forgetfulness.
Questioning yourself over and over: "IF only I had….?" "Why didn’t I…?"
Placing unnecessary guilt on yourself or others.
Anger with yourself, family members, God, the doctor and even your child for dying. 

Fearing that you are going crazy! (very normal)
Great physical exhaustion. Grief is hard work and consumes much energy!
Difficulty sleeping or sleeping all the time to avoid the pain.
Physical symptoms such as heaviness in your chest or having difficulty breathing (if these feelings persist see your physician) tightness in your throat, yawning, sighing, gasping or even hyperventilating.
Lack of appetite or over eating.
Weight gain or weight loss.
Anxiety. (Often associated with overprotective behavior toward surviving children and other family members.)
Denial of your loss, thinking that your child will return. (Denial can be effectively treated by spiritual leaders as well as psychologists. Seek help if your denial phase persists beyond a month.)
Needing to tell and retell the story of your child’s death.
Inability to function in your job.
Sensing your child’s presence or an odor or touch associated with your child.
Having difficulty grocery shopping because of seeing your child’s favorite food(s) on the shelves.
Irrationally upset with yourself if you smile or laugh, thinking how can I smile, my child is dead? (Your child will want you life to be as good and as happy as possible in spite of death’s intervention.)
Feelings as if your spouse or other family members don’t understand your grief or are not grieving as you think they should. Remember everyone grieves differently.
Losing old friends who don’t seem to understand your pain and grief.
Making new friends through support groups with members who have also experienced the death of a child and therefore understand your feelings.
Feeling like you are making progress in your grief work, then slip back into the old feelings. Grief work usually is a succession of two steps forward and one step back over a long period of time.
Becoming very frustrated with others who expect you to be “over this” in a month, six months or a year and who say so. Or even being frustrated with yourself for expecting to be “over this” too soon.
Grief work from the death of your child is a slow process. Be patient with yourself.
Keep remembering that you are not the only one who has had these experiences. These experiences are all typical, natural and normal feelings for bereaved parents. You cannot ignore them: you must work through them. It will require even more time to feel better if you try to deny your feelings. There are no timetables for grief; each person must take as long as it takes for him or her to work through these feelings.

90 Minutes in Heaven - Cecil Murphy

A Broken Heart Still Beats -  McCracken &  Semel

Angel Visions - Doreen Virtue

Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul

Children of the Dome - Rosemary Smith

Christmas Box, The - Richard Paul Evans

Don't Kiss Them Goodbye - Allison DuBois

Fall of Freddie the Leaf, The - Leo Buscaglia (for children)

Grieving Forward - Susan Duke

Hello from Heaven - Guggenheim

Home with God in a Life that Never Ends - Neale D. Walsch

How to Survive the Loss of a Child - Catherine Sanders

Lament for a Son - Nicholas Wolterstorff

Lessons from the Light - George Anderson

Live After Death - Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

One Last Time - John Edward

Our Children are Forever - Martin & Romanoski

Quit Kissing My Ashes - Judy Collier

Saving Graces - Elizabeth Edwards

Talking to Heaven - James van Praagh

Travel Guide to Heaven - DeStefano

Walking in the Garden of Souls - George Anderson

We are their Heaven  - Allison DuBois

What the Bleep do We Know - Arntz, Chasse, Vicente

When Bad Things Happen to Good People - Harold Kushner

When the Bough Breaks - Judith Bernstein