tiktok's Journal

SHAME. how old were you when you first felt shame? I was very, very young, perhaps five. I was sexually abused by a friend of the family, and I recall I was curious about sex because my father kept a stack of porn in his closet and I'd sneak it down and look at it. One day my mother caught me. I was very ashamed. I felt 'dirty'. This was when she discovered I had been molested by a man my dad knew. My parents sent me to a psychiatrist or two. Ironically, none of these people did anything to lessen my sense of shame. I have carried that shame, and built upon it and improved it, over the years. Shame has been my greatest enemy. I overcame my shame by being a stripper, by being a little promiscuous, but deep down, I eventually realized, that we have shame for a reason. My shame has come back to me after many years of shamlessness. I have realized a lot about shame and sexuality. When you are raped, is it natural to feel deep shame? I know I did. I was unable to conceive of living beyond that day, I was so deeply shamed and violated. I'd have killed myself if I had had the energy to. I became very very angry at the shame I was made to feel, instead of being angry at the person who shamed me. Since I could not fight them, I fought my shame. Today, almost 15 years later, that battle against my shame has taken me to some wild places. I now have to look the future father of my children in the eye and feel I am his equal. He would never in a million years understand my behaviors of the past. Can anyone please tell me how I'm to face him without shame at myself?