stiimpee's Journal

I've been trying really hard to only have smiling faces for 2008, but today, I'm sorry, I just can't do it.  Valentine's Day was okay, all things considered.  I tried to be positive, upbeat and not be bummed or sad with the day considering it was Valentine's Day in 2005 that we conceived our son Kai.  Neither one of us said Happy Valentine's Day to each other, but Craig had to be at the house to watch the kids because the sitter couldn't be there.  He took Tristan to his school party, particpatied, and even sent me a photo via his cell phone of Kai playing with the kids in the classroom.  I had put up a few Valentine's Day decorations around the house so the kids would see I was "into it" and even drew a little pink heart around the 14th on the calendar. I bought the kids a little bit of candy, a book for Tristan and a stuffed puppy for Kai.  What did their dad get them?  A big nada.  Not even a card. I wanted to at least be festive about it for my boys and show Craig "See, you did NOT break me".  He left around 6:30pm to head back to his apartment as that's the time I get home from work.  Although I didn't get the message until the next day, he sent me a text at 8:41pm on Valentine's Day that read "I'm sorry.  I never wanted us to end up like this. I hope it gets better."  That totally baffled me because although I have been sick, I wasn't sad on Valentine's Day, didn't give the impression that it was any different than any other day.  So that message was kind of odd.  I responded the next day by saying "I'm not really sure how to respond to your last message."  He then sent another text that said "No need to respond, I was just saying I'm sorry."  Again, that entire message was odd to me, until today.  I had to go to the bank this morning and had the kids with me because they live with me.  As we were on our way back, out of the clear blue sky, Tristan says "mom, dad said that one day in his lifetime he might get married again.  Maybe not right away, but maybe when I'm eight or nine or something.  Are you going to get married again?" 

That was so out of left field that I didn't know what to say except "I don't know."  The last thing I wanted to do was drill my kid, but I couldn't help but wonder what brought this conversation on to begin with.  He said it was recently, probably sometime this week, but he could't remember when.  I asked him why they were talking about it, if he asked his daddy the question or if his dad just started talking about it.  He said it was the latter.  So it sounds to me like my ex is prepping me and Tristan for something that might be happening.  He hasn't even received the settlement papers yet and he's already talking about marriage?  This from the guy who said NO, he wasn't involved with Rachel, no, he didn't have anyone, and that he would never get married again.  The text he sent me and the conversation he had with Tristan makes it seem like maybe he proposed to someone on Valentine's Day?  Or he's planning on it?  Let's see, he doesn't have a job because he quit the job he had making $7.50 an hour and working 15 hours a week.  He's only giving me $75 a week now because he has no money, or so he says.  Yet he's talking to Tristan about possibly getting married again.

I shouldn't care because IF he is getting married again she obviously hasn't made him a better man.  He quit the coffee shop job after three weeks, he's still angry and bitter and hostile as ever. Far as I can tell, he's still a pothead.  He has told me he is very dissatisfied with his life and that maybe he needs to just go live in the woods and chase rabbits for a while.  Must be nice to have so little responsibility in your life that you would even think that is an option. 

I have done a good job keeping my head on straight and not letting this asshole bother me or hurt me this year, but the idea that he's talking marriage to our seven year old just takes my breath away.  I am amazed that this man can continue to reach into his bags of tricks and pull out yet another hurt to hand to me.  When does it end?  And more importantly, even though I know he is NOT a good man or even a good father at times, why does this still hurt and why do I still care?  I don't like him, but I still love him and that just kills me.  All of this came down over a year ago, and yet the wound is still there.  Whenever will it heal and when will I ever truly not give a shit?  For now I am going to start packing up some of the stuff that he still has here and make him take it.  At least that will make me a feel a little better all things considered.

 Anyone have any great words of wisdom on how to deal with this or handle it?  The LAST thing I want to do is call him or question him on it because that will just make it obvious to him that I am upset over it.  He KNOWS that Tristan tells everyone everything about everything, so I am sure he had the conversation with Tristan full well knowing it would be repeated within a matter of time.