overtherainbow's Journal

Thank you friends for showing me support past few days Mood

Friday, May 16, 2008 | A Sad story

I still want to end my life the only reason I haven't yet is that I want to drive my son to my mother first so he will have a place to stay a while.I really think I have lost God and His help and that I am cursed and I think this may be hell I am living in and I just don't know that I am already dead.Sure can't find any reason or anyone that can make me believe that this is not hell.I worked today I made 100. for six hours work !!! I have three hundred dollars saved up now to buy gas to get my son to my mom's house.I could pay the rent for one more month but don't think I will have the gas to get home if I do that.The only way I can stay here is if I can make 339. more by May 29 th.Then I can drive my son back,he is hell bent on going to my mom's,than I can come back here alone or bring my baby girl who my mom has now,trade kids with her,and try to work for another month,promblem with her is child care then,will have to have day care for her,she is only five.So until i see if I can make it here in cleaning business I best leave her with mom and she still sees her real mom.I think if my son stays with my mom for a month he will be ready to move back here with me.He won't like living with old retired people who never do anything,maybe,then again he never does anything but lay in bed either and his old school friends can come see him there,he misses that badly so maybe he would be happier best thing for my son is to live back home, so he can see his old friends and to live there with me to supervise him , Angel would love it here a little while she loves the beach,but I fear she'd get to missing my mom and her real mom pretty quick.I do not ever want to go back I want to live out my life here.If I stay I never have to see things that cause me old painful memories , I f I stay here I can become the woman I never could there because of my past that small town gossip won't forget,I feel safer here,I love the ocean, I already have made some great friends here,gotten involved in bible study.I could easily spend the rest of my life dedicated to God and serving Him fully here.I have already been active in volunteer work and there is full time ministry work here that i could easily get lost in.Will you friends please tell me what you think I should do.I need help. Ithought my son would go to school here make new friends adjust,and I would get work here and bring Angle to stay with me at least part of the year.Now that my son hates it here refuses to go to school and work is extremly hard to get here i just don't know what to do from here.????????????????????????

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Comments

Go do what is best for you. What would allow you to nurture yourself? I will pray to God that he gives you advice as to which way to go. Weigh things out and write down the pro's and con's of each decision.

The most important thing right now is YOU. It is time to nurture, love and comfort your inner child. Give her love and guidance. Do what is best for her. She needs you. She needs your love.

(((Hugs)))

I will think more on a better answer...

RubyMcC
You have to live where you can find work. Everything else is secondary and kids will adjust.

lizgirl
Everyone is right,you just need to take the time, and think it all out.Children sometimes have to see for themselves.They learn to appreciate things more,after they have had a little distance.Most importantly is the fact that you have to do what is best for you.If you are not happy the way it is,maybe you need the change also.God will be with you, and help you through it,He is always there.Put your'e trust in him and your'e judgement,it will all work out in the end.As I SAID YOU HAVE THE HEART,AND BRAINS,THE COURAGE IS THERE,YOU JUST HAVE TO REMIND YOURSELF OF THAT. WITH ALL OF MY RESPECT, AND LOVE, TO YOU AND THE CHILDREN,BE STRONG, connie

SEMPERSUGAR
Thank you for your comments friends.If I go back I can live cheaper,be around family,have family help with emergancys, my son will be happier.I do mot have any desire to go back.I want to stay here,but to stay here means hard hard work,jobs require harder work for less money here and every bill here is double what is is back home,money will be much tighter here.If I go back I can sell my car,buy a cheap older mobile home out in the country,get food samps,medicaid,can't get it here,easy to get there.I can have my own place again just will have lot rent,cheaper than apartment here.But will have no car,be stranded,dependant on family for transportation.I will have no beach,and all my old ex's will be close by.I will hate it there.I love it here.but the work is too hard here and the lonliness gets hard as well ???????????What would you do ???????????

overtherainbow
First thing my friend is you have to be willing to not play the Death Card. What good is all this planning if you are going to bail out. I know I am not one to talk on that one. Who says you have to move all the way back home. What if on your journey back home you come across a place that has a much lower cost of living, has potential for finding work, is closer to home yet far enough away that you can start fresh without all the old baggage interferring. If you must travel back home, travel back with your eyes wide open to opportunity instead of closed in frustration and fear. Know my friend I don't want to lose you. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make all the bad stuff go away. Love you much, Lucy

Soleil
I only have three hundred dolars so I have to stay with family until I can sell my car and use that money to buy a cheap old trailier.I can hunt for a trailer away from family but how can i because I will have no car ,I will have to move clsoe to them so I can ride places with them,so if I go back i will be forced to stay with family can't sleep on street.If i stay I have a car and roof and love it here , but my son hates it here,and if I get sick can't work , then what ?Plus pay is low,work harder and bills higher,and I am so tired of being hungry here.

overtherainbow
I can't make enough money to live any where and I do not want to live with family I hate my home state.I can't win no matter what I do.Do you see why I want to give up.I think it best to take ny son where he wants to be and then die.I do have a bad heart, poor health wasn't suppose to live past 40 anyway.If I wait a little while i will die of natural causes soon.I just want to take my son to mom then slip off someplace and die in my own way my own terms and time.So that is the plan.To save hospital bills and the shame of failure I will take him to her then end my life.I really don't think it is that bad to spare the family haveing to support me or having to endure hospital care,i know my heart is not going to hold out much longer anyway,have chest pain,irregular beats all the time.I am always tired,plus diarrhea almost everyday with horrible cramps,constant joint,musle pain.It is time to check out of this world,God won't help me,if he cared he'd supply income,or a home or heal me,or heal my son's disease.God has stopped loving me as well as every one else.No point in living anymore.

overtherainbow
God you are all so sweet to try so hard to help me You are all so kind and wonderful I am sorry for upsetting you and putting your though my drama,I think the world of you each one.I appreciate your sweet thought very much,THANK YOU.No one can help me here.I simply just am not able to work,and even if I suffer through the pain and work ican not make enough money to ever have a decent life.My mind is now set .I will take my son where he wants to be ,then I am ending my life,no sense in continueing to be a burden to others.Unless i win the lottery , ha ha! Or find a magic wand that works!That is all just dreams and dreams don't come true for people like me.

overtherainbow