"Pressing On"by Relient …
"Pressing On"by Relient K I think we're going somewhere.We're on to something good …
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Well I've been doing these injections for a week now, and I seem to be getting use to the idea of having to do them every day. I'm still in a lot of pain after I do it, but oh well, aint much I can do. I still don't know what I want to come from this. On one hand I'd love for these injections to work simply because I'm just sick of not know what's really wrong with me, and I'm gonna be a bit upset if I did these injections for no reason. But on the other hand I don't want it to help because that means I really do have MS. I just don't know where I'm gonna be in 10, 5, or even 1 year. Or if I will be here.....It's just so frustrating. I'm sick of crying, sick of feeling useless, sick of just not knowing anything anymore. I don't know how much more of this I really can take. And the worst part is that I feel so alone. I know my friends and family are always gonna be here for me but no one knows exactly what I'm going through and I just don't feel like I can talk to anyone anymore. I have to put on this big happy smile and pretend like nothing is wrong. Everyone says that I'm so optimistic about everything, but no one knows that in the end of it all I hide in my room and feel like theres no reason to come out. And even if there is a reason to come out, I can't do anything because I can't FUCKING drive! How am I suppose to live my life without being able to drive?? I can't get a better job, I can't go to school whatever times I want, I can't even just go to the mall whenever I damn well please. I have to wait till someone calls and asks me to go somewhere. I know everyone tells me they'll come get me whenever I want to go somewhere, but why should I have to call someone to go somewhere? Why did I have to be the person who can't do fucking anything! I want to move out to be closer to civilization but the minute I move out I lose my insurance. My medication is 1,700 dollars a month! I can't afford that shit! Plus all my Dr. appointments. I wouldn't be able to survive! I still plan on moving out and figuring something out, but I shouldn't have to! Why is it that everything that goes wrong is always to me? All I ask is that I would just for one day be able to seriously say I'm happy! I've never been able to say that! And it kills me everyday to put on a happy go lucky face and fake how I really feel. But whats the point in saying how I really feel?? No one will be able to make me feel better anyways, and whats the point of making them feel like shit with you? Its just pointless! And how am I ever gonna get a man by living like this?? What man is gonna wanna put up with all the baggage I bring?? I already had a hard enough time finding a guy, now I have to deal with this shit too! Its not even the being single part that kills me anymore, its the fact of knowing that I may not make anything outta myself. I have so much potential in so many things, but I just don't care anymore! If I didn't have all this medical shit I'd be in NY, or Cali or somewhere to start my dance career! But no, I'm stuck in WA with a dead end job and going to school for absolutely nothing! I'm just so sick of trying so hard and getting nothing in return! Don't get me wrong, I know things could be worse! i do have an amazing family and some of the best friends ever! I just wish I didnt have to deal with so much other crap!
~Alicia Rose
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Hey Alicia Rose, easy on yourself. You're grieving. It's a natural NORMAL step to getting on with your life, and some people never even get around to doing it. You're gonna be OK. IT's just going to take some time.
You're so lucky you have great family and friends. I do too and I don't know how I'd get through all this without that support. Yah, it bites that you can't do the normal stuff you should be entitled to, going out when you want, driving around, not worrying about much. That's not your fate for now. It may change...
Hey, about that man you want to catch. The good thing about knowing about your MS now is that the man who sticks, will be a good man who sticks forever. There are so many weak and selfish people out there, and when they find out someone's sick or needs help, these people can't deal with it. They haven't grown enough. You will be taking leaps and bounds in life, more than you bargained for. In a totally strange way, MS has really helped me out in lots of ways. You're going to find a GOOD man, and that's better than just having anyone in the wings.
This is the beginning of your "journey". As you start moving forward, you're going to find lots of little off-roads you never knew existed, and your life will be different than you ever expected. Be kind to you. This is a hard time.
Try to smile, even at a cat.
Please take care...
Casahe