Ginger0116's Journal

Hello to everyone, I have not written for awhile but I've been here. So far, so good. I am still working part-time at the little cafe. Love it. What's so good is that I can make money but I don't have to declare ALL my tips! I am saving for a security deposit on an apartment. I think I may get something by the end of July or in August. Right now the forms are with the state and I have to wait for them, this is for Seniors or people on SSD and it will be lower income so I can afford it. But I've seen the apartment and it's very nice, I might even be able to squeeze my dining room in there. I hate to let it go, I bought that after my divorce with my own money and it was MY choice and it means so much to me because of that. I had to buy all my furniture on my own. The ex took everything which was ok by me, I wanted no reminders.

I am feeling much, much better mentally. I can't believe how low I got, how I had given up on life. I was walking out the door one day with my pills which would have killed me within an hour, I had a deserted road that I had scoped out and knew it would be days before someone found me. But the phone rang AS I WAS WALKING OUT THE DOOR, and this call gave me hope. Someone from the county had found me a room to rent and the rest is history. I did not get the room, instead I moved back with my niece and away from Mar. I needed to get out of that basement and away from him, it saved my life getting away from him. I guess I am telling you all this because I've been where some of you are now. I've seen the dark abyss and it covered me entirely, I had no hope, no will to live the way I was living, I was in so much pain that no one could touch me. If I had never answered the phone I would not be alive today. So there is some way that we can get out of our abyss. It's not the easy road and some of us will never make it, but we have to keep trying. I am not telling you that everything is ducky here, I have my moments of depression and of anxiety, when I am walking down the driveway to go to work, I just want to run back inside and crawl into my bed and hide. I know I will never make it to work, the anxiety consumes me. Don't forget that I could not leave my house for over a year. But I push through it and go to work, where I get into a different mind set and I can do it. There are days when I come home and collapse but I have a feeling of accomplishment that I did do it and I got out and went to work. I DID IT! I am nervous also about me moving into my own apartment again, I am afraid that the abyss will come again and I will isolate myself once more. But my niece now knows the signs and she promised to come save me. I am once again alone, without a partner and do you know what?? I don't care. I love it. I have no one to worry about, o one I have to please and I have no desire to have anyone either. I even lost my libido which is very odd for me, but I just can't care anymore. Living with Mar in such a loveless environment must have scarred me forever, I lived with that for 14 years with my ex so I don't want to risk that again. I will keep myself safe, and alone. It's better for me.