Sweetness317's Journal

I've been dreaming about cutting everyday for a while; they say using dreams are a catalyst to relapse. I wonder when it's gonna happen. I have forty days sober, and I haven't cut myself in forty days either. That's a really long time. I still think I could use a drink. I need a blue sky holiday. Does anyone know of any cool things to do out here in Northern California? We may be moving. Mum asked if I was not drinking, still. I don't understand; does she think just because I left sober living I was gonna start getting shitfaced again? I love Christine so much; she is so amazing, like truly my soulmate. Sometimes, I want to hurt her though, and I feel bad for thinking that. Like, not like violently, just sometimes she says things, and I just want to smack her in the face? Or, I'll get frustrated when she doesn't tell me she loves me, and it hurts my feelings. She also tends to tell me that other girls are hott or attractive, and that hurts me, too, but I guess I'm doing okay. Mum wants me to go back on Lithium and Lamictal. My Eczema is getting worse. It sucks, because I have nothing to deal with it, so I just wear pajamas all the time, so I don't have to feel the roughness of pants on my skin. Dreams seem to be getting worse each night, and yesterday, it was like I was dreaming whilst awake. Cecelia said I was just falling into the Astral Plane, which is cool. I need a sponsor, and a meeting. -shrug- My body is giving me a lot of pain; I think I need a new chair or something for work, because this hard ass wooden chair sucks dick. Shain and I are actually not speaking which is good. I still can't quit smoking, but I'm doing okay, when it comes to not smoking so much; this pack has lasted me three days. I may take Christine to Jack in the Box; she's never been there. Tomorrow is our gay meeting at the church downtown, which is cool. Christine wrote me this beautiful letter yesterday, and it makes me feel bad to think that sometimes I just want to hurt her. We are so codependent though, it's disgusting. I also have been both sleeping and eating like all the time. Noises are beginning to bother me, even the smallest sound annoys the hell out of me. I can hear everything.