ltlspoon's Journal

Friday night I had a party at my house. Just a few people...a couple random guys and some of Leo's/my friends. Leo didn't want to come...he had other plans...a.k.a a lame frat party. I hate not being important to him anymore, and not knowing what he's going to do.

Anyway, it was fun even without him. We drank a little, and I talked one-on-one with 3 of leo's friends. First this kid, G, who liked me when I started to like Leo. I was drunk and was saying to him that maybe I'd made the wrong choice back in the day, which I'm embarrassed about now. I only said that out of sadness about the breakup I guess. He said he still thinks I'm beautiful, and I'll be better off without Leo, because apparently, everyone hated the way Leo treated me. I had no idea. I didn't think anything was wrong with the way he treated me...I thought I was just the problem. I don't know.

Then I talked to Carlos, who actually held me. Like, his arm was around me, and he held and rubbed my hand. And he told me a lot of really nice things like "You really are extremely attractive, you are really amazing, you could get any guy you want, you just have to be positive and have confidence...don't live in the past, look forward to the future and enjoy now, blah blah blah" It realy helped. Especially coming from him...because he is REALLY hot.

Then I talked to Dan. Who also told me that I'm "so beautiful" and that I need to live for myself, not for anyone else, and that if I do that, sooner or later the RIGHT guy will come along, who will just FIT into my life, so that I can still live for me, and not be in a relationship that only holds me back or makes me unhappy.

After all those guys left, this kid Justin, who had been eye-ing me all night, came into my room while I was talking online with Leo. He asked about the whole situation, and when I got sad, he kissed me, so I kissed him back. He's going into the navy in a month and he's not really boyfriend material so I doubt I'll ever hang out with him again...but that's ok, I have no feelings for him. He is REALL hot. Brad Pitt body. Holy fucking shit.

That was it for that right THEN. He went back upstairs, I changed into some pj's, then when I walked upstairs, Justin took one look at me and his jaw dropped, eyes widened, and he whistled. Ha. I was in sexy pj's, kind of on purpose, because I love driving guys crazy if I know I can.

Later, I went to my room and layed in bed, and a little while after that, Justin followed. He layed over me and kissed me. We started getting into it and he touched me a lot and it felt really good...to be touched by someone else...but I didn't let him go 'down there'. He tried to get me to go down on him but I didn't want to. We just made out and touched each other and he kept saying that I'm "sexy as hell", lol. Then he pulled out a condom and I said no. He said he'd never been turned down before, which made me feel good (this is the kind of guy who always gets his way with really slutty girls because he's hot and they're sluts).

So we just kind of layed there and talked for a little while. It did feel really good to be in his arms like that and rest my head on his shoulder, partly because of his sexy fucking built body and partly because it was comforting and I needed that. Even though I have no feelings for this kid.

We turned and layed facing each other and he stared at me kind of smiling, the way Leo used to, which made me really sad. He kept saying "wow, you're cute as hell....you are CUTE as HELL", it was cute. We also talked about how we had a class together when I was in 10th grade, and how he remembers me as that "quiet girl"...and I reffered to myself as the quit weird girl...and he said "you're not weird..people just don't know you..." and he gave me a look, like he actually kind of understood me, even though he's always been one of those intimidating kind of jerks sort of, who is outgoing and what not...that was the first time i've ever felt understood by that kind of person. it was cool.

We layed there for a while then he went upstairs and I fell asleep and that was that, and I was fine with it.

Next day...I had work...where Leo was going to be. So I bought a sexy black dress, did my hair and makeup all fancy, and wore black high heels. And I knew that I looked GOOD. When I got to work, I got about a thousand compliments, and I could see the way Leo was looking at me, which was my goal...to make him want me. It felt awesome.

He wanted to come over really bad. I think he was sad because I kind of made it obvious that there was a boy that was into me when I talked to him online before the whole Justin thing. I could tell he kind of sort of wanted me too. I stood my gaurd a little, and almost didn't let him come over, but I ended up letting him, because honestly, I did want him with me that night.

I don't know whether or not I regret that night. I do, because it makes me sad. I don't, because I'm still in love with him and it felt good.

We layed in my mom's bed. We faced each other. We talked a lot. He stared at me in that way I was talking about. The way Justin did, and the way Leo used to all the time when we were together.  He apologized for it sometimes. I guess he knew that it made me sad or something.

He kept wanting to get closer. He kept saying that he wants to hold me. And kiss me. Then he said stuff about how part of him wants to be with me and the other part wants to be single. He said a lot of things that made me sad and a few things that made me kindof happy ish.

The worst thing he said was that he used to lie to me to make me happy. Like I would ask him questions and he'd want to answer one way...the truth...but he wouldn't....he would LIE just to make me happy. Another thing that made me really sad was that the truth kind of became obvious about this girl that made me jealous. Some really pretty girl he was friends with from band camp who almost seems perfect for him. A lot of pictures of them together at camp made it look like they had fun together...more fun than me and him ever did. I used to tell myself that I'm just paranoid and insecure...but it's pretty obvious now...he admitted he used to like her...and said that he would hook up with her if he had the chance, which obviously means there's something there. Even if he says it's nothing, there's just obviously some kind of interest...and it makes me REALLY sad and REALLY jealous.

Well, anyway. He kept trying to kiss me, and GOD I WANTED TO. His lips being so close to mine made me feel like we've never kissed before. The nervousness and the amazing in-love-ness that I felt made it feel like a potential very exciting first kiss. After a while I gave in. And fuck, it did feel really good. It made me cry a little. Then we kind of got into it...him touching me, me going down on him...but I told him no sex...because that's too much and I would have regretted it. We fell asleep snuggling, which felt INCREDIBLE...I love him holding me, ugh. He also said stuff about the way I lookedat worked...I was right...It DID turn him on...he said he wanted to watch me like slowly take it off or something. hot.

I did not want that night to end. I really wanted it to last forever. I really wish I could go back to it. See, I don't know if I regret it or not, because it hurts thinking about how much I want more of it.

That's all I really feel like saying. I'm fine during the day. At night it hits me. At night it hurts a lot. I guess because my favorite thing was snuggling up or having fun (sexual OR casual fun) in bed with him, and all of the romantic things we'd say, and how special I felt, whether or not it was a lie.

Wow, I'm really depressed right now. Why do I do this to myself? I miss him so much. :'(